Brethren News
Charity News Update
Good news as the Oracle’s newest charity drive has become a great success and the total donations garnered so far by our flock will greatly improve the lives of the orphans and war torn refugees that we seek to help. After our previous efforts ended with the Oracle being wrongly accused and imprisoned by the NOs’ for fraud, we could not blame our dear leader if he decided to postpone any similar enterprises in the future. But ever the humanitarian, the Oracle selflessly devised our new charity programme, saying that he had to think about those orphans and refugees and not the selfish actions of the NOs’. Asked about the reasons for its success, our great leader revealed “hard work from all our brothers and sisters”. He went on to highlight the accomplishments of the members of the Sluts for SB programme who had given their time to recreating the lives of the refugees to the general public. Showing them a life where all you own is your body. These altruistic women thought of these poor people who society has overlooked and not the spiteful claims of the NOs’. So what, we’re raising donations for orphans and refugees in other dimensions. Just because no other charity is thinking of them, does not mean that we have to ignore our consciences. Other reasons the Oracle gave for the success was not coincidentally arranging for his house to be renovated this time and for the charity collectors not to mention that other dimensions thing.
Brethren Amputation
Sadness enveloped the Brethren last night when it emerged that one of our most devoted of members, Sister Agatha, has been prematurely amputated from our group. We will all miss our sister and will greatly experience her evaporation, but do not grieve her passing, think of how she was, all that she achieved when she existed. The joy she shared for each and every one of us, the halcyon memories of those she saved. She was selfless – we only have to think back to when she donated every penny she had into our Cosmic Raise Awareness Programme, she sold her house to invest in Sharing Harmony In Total Enlightenment, and committed armed robbery to give to Warriors Against Negative Kindness. A truly great spirit.
Sister Agatha’s passing will be greatly felt amongst our people, but remember that she was dissolved by her own hand; her destiny was her own making. We discovered that she turned to the Negative Oppositionals for guidance, and if it hadn’t been for Brother Geoffrey’s sharp eye, she would have been capable of deceiving us all that she was still one with the Brethren, when in reality she was secretly lying with our great enemy, the NOs'. It was Brother Geoffrey’s will that he observed his former spiritual partner astride that great mechanism of doom, the symbol of the NOs' evil intentions – yes, a bicycle! In plain daylight he observed his ex-planetary wife riding on the pavement to despair. Long has our guru, the Oracle, warned us of the pernicious attributes of these two wheeled menaces. Heed this warning, my dear Brethren, cyclists are evil – they not only ride where they please, when there’s blatantly a cycle path available, they are out to get us! And not only did Brother Geoffrey observe this shocking revelation, he heard his former beloved, of all things, speaking Bulgarian. He thinks. Long have the Bulgarians tormented our people, ever since they imprisoned our dear leader for supposedly kidnapping a minor. They seek to destroy everything we hold sacred. Poor Brother Geoffrey, witnessing this great act of shame from his intergalactic mate, someone he once adored, speaking Bulgarian on a bicycle! Of course, some of you may be in disbelief; was it not Sister Agatha who lead us all in the chant ‘Pavements are for Pedestrians’, and organised the latest picketing exercises outside the bike shop and Bulgarian Embassy.
The NO’s will make you think that perhaps Brother Geoffrey and Sister Agatha’s break up was not as amicable as we think, that it was perhaps Brother Geoffrey’s revenge for cutting the sleeves off of his pyjamas, but Brother Geoffrey is a pure and learned member of our family; we cannot allow the Negative Oppositionals to pollute our divine judgement. Besides, Sister Agatha was seen clearly exhausted at our last solar prayer meeting; she had obviously experienced great sleeplessness from her conscience keeping her awake from the generous three hours regeneration a night afforded to us. So, I say to you Brothers and Sisters, remember Sister Agatha for how she was; the kindness, the wisdom, the purity. Remember all of these things and more, before we publicly denounce her and incinerate her clothes.
New NO Outrage
The negative oppositionals have yet again disgraced our good Oracle’s name, yet again by insinuating that he would stoop so low as to commit fraud and tax evasion. They are persistent in their need to cause disruption among our flock, but as my learned brothers and sisters know all too well, our organisation has long been regarded as a religion, and as our blessed holy man, it is despicable that they tar his good name with their lies. Our dear Oracle himself has beseeched his children to not heed their cruel words and do not let them distract us from his good work. Speaking from inside his jail cell, the Oracle declared that he only pled guilty to all charges to stand as a martyr to our cause. And if the negative oppositionals cannot see this, they are much more insignificant than we always thought.
Recruitment Update
Congratulations to Sister Bernadette who has exceeded our monthly recruitment target of 156 lost souls. Asked about her tremendous achievement, Sister Bernadette stated that she could not have done it without the love, charisma and wisdom of the Brethren, as well as being an active member of our Sluts for S.B. programme. Working day and night, recruiting lost souls from outside prisons, soup kitchens and comic book conventions, Sister Bernadette modestly added, ‘it really wasn’t so hard, I was just spreading the wise words of our dear Supreme Being. Our new brothers were open to the possibilities that the Brethren offered, that will change their lives. Besides, most of these men haven’t had any (spiritual guidance) in ages, so they were well up for it (total enlightenment)’. As a reward for all her hard work, the Oracle has offered Sister Bernadette the chance to progress towards Spargon Dimension Affinity Level Four, after she signs up for our Awakening Rhythmic Spiritual Euphoria seminars, at a discounted price of £500. Keep up the good work sister.
Mystical Teleconference This Saturday
As all our Brethren should be aware, the Oracle is holding a mystical teleconference this Saturday, so be sure to tune in. As our security has recently been breached by the crafty Negative Oppositionals, who are around us at all times, for the first time in our history the Oracle shall be transmitting the sage words of the mighty Supreme Being through the use of telepathy. So listen carefully my brethren when we congregate in our contemplation room, especially Brother David who has been volunteered to take minutes, as we are going to have a question and answer session afterwards. Anyone who does not fully comprehend our preparation for the last day will be identified as the Negative Oppositionals that they are, and cast away to the fiery depths of Musselburgh. Happy thoughts to all!
IMPORTANT NEWS UPDATE
We have sad news for you, Brethren, as we have to announce that Brother Norman has been banished from the Sanctuary. I know that after all Brother Norman has done for the Enlightened Brethren, we know it is hard to believe that he would do anything against us, seeing as he helped to devise the layout of the current compound and single-handedly set up the printing and merchandise teams. He was a major donor to the Brethren, giving up all his worldly belongings to the cause and his inheritance. As the only other member (except for the Oracle and the Mistress of the Oracle) that has reached Spargon dimensional level Onyx, he was expected to achieve great things in the future, so we totally understand if some of you believe this to be a hoax. When asked why Brother Norman had been banished and not punished in the sauna shed, cellar of disappointment or basement of wrong, the only other onyx member, Brother Matthew stated that Brethren didn’t need to know what he had done, only know that it was really, really bad. When pressed further, a spokesman for Brother Matthew told us that if all the Brethren just imagined the worst thing ever, then multiply it by ten, then that was only a fraction of what Brother Norman did. And if any Brethren continued to linger on the subject (we’re looking at you Brother Marcus), then they will be suspect of possibly repeating whatever Brother Norman did. No, Brother Matthew says we have to get over Brother Norman’s passing and do what we can to recover from this incident. So, all of the buildings that he helped build will be burned to the ground and all Brethren working in printing and merchandise will be sent to the sauna shed post haste. But we’ll keep the money in memory of the person we all thought he was.
... And now for a bit of light relief...
As we are all a bit shocked by the news about Brother Norman this week here’s a recipe for one of Malcolm’s minging meals. We know that no-one is actually going to recreate this particularly nasty concoction, but at least this way if you have to visit Sister Sister Gill after digesting, we can all now narrow down the diagnosis.
Ingredients
Badger (shaved and with the eyeballs pulled out)
1 Cup Flour
1 veg stock cube
A bunch of parsley
A bunch of dandelions
1 crow egg
Tap water
Salt (loads)
Tbs spit
Method
Pull the badgers teeth and toenails out and set aside for later. Put the rest of the ingredients in a pot filled with boiling water and cook until tender, or until the badger’s face falls off. If the liquid evaporates too much don’t be afraid to gob into the pot while you stir. Once cooked, serve with a side portion of deep-friend badger toenails and garnish with smashed up badger teeth.
Brother Matthew's Fists Of Truth (214 Days Until Judgement Day)
As we all know, Brother Matthew recently gave his motivational Fists of Truth lectures to the Brethren, an all day event where he explained why we had to burn down the printing and merchandise buildings and was forced to send the staff to the sauna shed. He fully demonstrated our own culpability for not noticing Brother Norman’s susceptibility to the NO’s, when he did as soon as Brother Norman was elevated to Spargon dimensional level Onyx. A successful presentation that truly spurred the Brethren into action to rebuild and replace both complexes, especially when he had Brother John in that headlock. Due to the success of the first seminar, Brother Matthew has announced a planned follow up which aims to remind us that we wasted a lot of time that could have been used building when we all attended the first meeting.
Bad News For Binky Band
More bad news Brethren, as although we have finally rid ourselves of those accursed printing and merchandise buildings, it appears that the Brethren wardrobe department was temporarily housed in with merchandising and we have lost a lot of costumes. This will be a great loss to the Brethren Binky recreation society as all of their dog suits were scorched in the blaze. Some of it was saved at the last moment, but they were all damaged in one way or another.
Revisit From the Planet Lovely (203 Days Until Judgement Day)
Many of the Brethren (except for Brother Malcolm and Brother Marcus) have reported on having another encounter from the aliens from the planet Lovely. According to Sister Ruth, almost all of her patients recalled seeing these beings in the forest, meeting them again to give an important message for the Brethren. Telling the Brethren not to have suspicions about Brother Matthew and that expelling Brother Norman, burning down the buildings and sending the staff to the sauna shed was in their best interests. Almost all of the Brethren could not help but be stirred by this new intergalactic message, and some even commented that the message must have been important because the robes they were wearing looked slightly charred; they must have grabbed the first thing they could find.
Enlightenment Sessions (156 Days Until Judgement Day)
We have fresh reports from Brother Matthew’s enlightenment sessions where he has been enlightening groups of the Brethren about all the ways they are in the wrong. As only Spargon Level Neon Fuchsia is exempt from the rebuilding of the printing and merchandising departments*, Brother Matthew held his open air announcements from Levels Saffron to Umber** on site stating that merely heaping a load of bricks on top of each other without any organisation was foolish and ordered that what has been built so far to be torn down. He then explained that as usual, he would have to show them how to do their jobs, but not by helping to build as that would crumple his suit, but rather find a manager to help organise. As they had all wasted time building a monstrosity, Brother Matthew wasn’t going to find a manager amongst the Brethren he was talking to, but instead opted to find a member that had been absent and preferably did it as a career. Throughout his presentation he was suitably angry, calling out certain members for stopping work during his speech and some for continuing to work when it was clear that they going to tear down the structure. Brother Matthew steered away from punishing the Brethren for their obvious mistakes, choosing to emphasise certain parts of his speech by smacking an obliging Brother John.
Recruitment Pep Talk
Shortly after his enlightenment sessions, Brother Matthew held a meeting with the recruiters and gave a stirring motivational presentation where he gave the women reasons not to give up on the so far failed strategy to target membership from the printing and merchandising world. He explained that it was not their fault that the negative oppositionals had persuaded the men to get our sisters arrested for solicitation, asking what prostitute gives her clients enlightenment, and crabs in Sister Trudie’s case. But after the recent spate of killer clown sightings, Brother Matthew suggested that the women could perhaps tone down the use of garish makeup as they were coming over more Coco the Clown than Coco Chanel, and generally a bit creepy. After Brother Matthew’s rousing speech, all of our sisters were motivated to do their very best in recruiting printing and merchandise staff. Especially when Brother Matthew mentioned that he had the kids. As our photography equipment was unfortunately in the printing room, we weren’t able to get a photograph of the event. Instead, our resident artist, Sister Audrey has provided a artistic impression of the night***. As a side note – anyone who has incurred the just wrath of Brother Matthew can attest that those lines really come out of his mouth when he shouts.
Brother Matthew gives a motivation speech to the recruiters
*As they have only just joined the Brethren it is unfair to blame them for the group blindly condoning the actions of evil Brother Norman. Besides, by joining the group they have already shown that they want to improve and no-one wants to join a group that solely builds stuff. We’ll edge them in gradually.
** Spargon Level Myrtle is also exempt as who else is going to find out what the Brethren really think about Brother Matthew than Sister Ruth. Oh, and Spargon Dimensional Level Drab, because it only consists of Brother Malcolm, and no matter how frankly minging his meals are, the Brethren are going to need to recharge from the build on something. Even if it is deep fried otter bollocks.
*** Who we are planning on questioning about where she got the paper.
Good News For Brother Jamie (152 Days to Judgement Day)
Good news for our very own Brother Jamie as he has just been released from prison where he was wrongly convicted of arson on the printing and merchandise buildings. Brother Matthew expertly deduced that the real fake* arsonist of the whole operation was in fact Brother Boaby. Brother Matthew has had to put up with Brother Marcus in the past repeatedly moaning about how his Brethren Buddy was trying to kill him and the like. But it was when Brother Boaby’s disability benefit suddenly dried up that Brother Matthew’s suspicions were raised. And he wasted no time in calling the police to arrest the real fake guy. The reason he didn’t approach Brother Boaby himself was partly because the peace loving nature of Brother Matthew, and partly because he is mental. Brother Boaby, that is. Brother Boaby obligingly took the blame and really got into character when he attempted to burn down the police interrogation room. Brother Matthew stated that it was fortunate Brother Jamie had been exonerated and his gardening leave was over so he could go back to work as a manager.
* Come on, are we really going to confess that we all did it?
The Oracle Warns Against Cashing In Grudges (149 Days Until Judgement Day)
After a spate of attacks of vengeance on negative oppositionals that have personally wronged members of the Brethren, the Oracle has asked that his flock desist from settling scores as it is affecting the image of the Enlightened Brethren. He used the example of the Mistress Of The Oracle, who doesn’t take revenge on him for the imagined crimes that he’s done, but instead has a fixed scowl on all of the time that resembles a dog’s bum. He further explained that although Judgement Day is nearing on 01/07/17, it is time to show the public what a caring and spiritual organisation we are. Before we disappear on Judgement Day leaving them to disintegrate in their own faeces. So, don’t cash your grudges in until at least 20th June.
End To Discipline Amnesty (61 Days Until Judgement Day)
There was a major disruption during Brother Matthew’s recent announcement after the majority of the congregation started vomiting up on each other. Brother Matthew was explaining that now that the building work was almost complete, he was going to drop his previous Discipline Amnesty plan. For example, he has previously turned a blind eye to Brother Dominic hording those Jaffa Cakes and Sister Zoe kicking her Brethren Buddy in the genitals, among others. Brother Matthew explained that, with Judgement Day only weeks away, it was important that we are the best versions of ourselves. Anyone who is not should be shown the error of their ways. However, just when he was mentioning that he’s recently been working out, Sister Violet, (who had been clamping her hand tightly over her mouth during the speech) suddenly threw up over Brother Sebastian. And in a matter of minutes the room transformed into a recreation of that famous scene from Stand By Me, with puke flying everywhere. As Brother Matthew had to swerve away from the main affected area, he postponed the rest of his talk until the crowd was feeling better, but only after they clean the mess up. Asked whether he planned to punish Brother Malcolm for causing this, Brother Matthew stated that eating Brother Malcolm’s food was a punishment, so why would he want to reprimand him for that. He went onto explain that Brother Malcolm provides an important role within the organisation. Without him there wouldn’t be any members in Level Drab and eating his food not only gives our brother a purpose, but usually doesn’t cause medical reactions; they are mainly just disgusting.
Rising Popularity Of Cleanse Programme
There has been some good news that has come from the recent food poisoning outbreak that has hit several members of the Brethren after Brother Malcolm’s ill (excuse the pun) advised boiled frog risotto. Yes, members have been signing up for Sister Sister Gill’s new cleanse programme in droves. The programme, that sets out to expel all negativity from the body by eating only cinnamon and laxatives while s(h)itting in a dark room for a month, was previously only participated by our truest of members. But after the latest outbreak blocked all our toilets and led to mass vomiting in the middle of Brother Matthew’s recent announcement, members have been lining up to shed their negativity. So, if any Brethren has yet to sign up for this exclusive opportunity to get in mental and physical shape for Judgement Day while avoiding Brother Malcolm’s dodgy cuisine for a month, do not delay. Except for Brother Malcolm, because who’s going to be there to make these ghastly meals. And they are all trying to get away from the guy after all. And also Brother Stuart, because he threw up on Brother Matthew’s shoes.
2nd Member To Be Punished
And the second Brethren member to suffer from Brother Matthew’s removal of his Discipline Amnesty plan is Brother Jacob after failing to attend to our celebrity member, Sister Chantelle. Brother Jacob, whose job was to make sure that Sister Chantelle was not troubled by negative oppositionals at all times, was caught helping to build the new printing and manufacturing shed. When questioned, Brother Jacob exploded in front of Brother Matthew, screaming that he also had to help build at the same time, and that he couldn’t be in two places at once. Knowing fine well that that’s one of the main abilities of Level Umber. Brother Jacob will be the first Brethren member to be sent to the sauna shed since the building started at the end of last year. Brother Andrew has been appointed as temporary attendant to Sister Chantelle, but Sister Ruth will be conducting interviews from next week.
Tragedy In The Sauna Shed (60 Days Until Judgement Day)
Tragedy has struck the Brethren as the dead bodies of our lost members were discovered in the sauna shed last night. The group of nine brothers and sisters were sent there as punishment of working for the evil Brother Norman, who forced us to burn the printing and manufacturing buildings in the first place. Which in turn led to Brother Jamie being wrongly imprisoned for arson and our very own Brother Boabie sacrificing himself as the culprit. And that’s not to mention all the rebuilding every single one of us all had to suffer (except for The Oracle, The Mistress, Brother Matthew, Sister Ruth, Brother Malcolm, Brother Jamie and Brother Boabie). That was partly all their fault, and now they’re dead. The bodies were discovered just as Brother Matthew accompanied Brother Jacob for his punishment. Asked why they had died, Brother Matthew stated that he thought that they had sacrificed themselves to pay penance for their actions. He went on to explain that that was the only explanation, as they couldn’t forgive themselves for what they did so sacrificed themselves. Although the sauna shed was tightly locked up and some distance from the main compound, they could have easily reached the other Brethren telepathically and reminded them of their existence. But they chose not to. Brother Jacob’s punishment will still go ahead, but due to the circumstances, will share the sauna shed with their stinking corpses. As a bonus punishment.
Brother Matthew Speaks (20 Days Until Judgement Day)
Brother John here, sending a message from our venerable Brother Matthew to all you Brethren involved in the building of, what he called, ‘that monstrosity’. I’m writing on the web sight so that all of you know of his displeasure (except for Neon-Fuchsia who he hopes enjoyed their chanting and pedicure session). He was stunned when he saw that thing and only snapped out of it when he accidentally kneed me in the testicles. He wanted you to know that he could have easily done a much better job. On his own. If he hadn’t have had to watch over you lot. He would’ve. He went on to say, ‘I mean, look at it: no doors, misshapen, and what’s that barbed wire for, decoration’... Then went on to remind you that his discipline amnesty was recently dropped. It’s alright, he can’t punish all of you (except for Neon-Fuchsia who each get free flip-flops), so with a heavy heart, he had to elect a main culprit, so to speak. So, Brother Jamie was abducted last night, as he disappointed Brother Matthew the most. And his suspicions that an ‘eyesore like that could only be borne of madness’ came true when Brother Jamie ‘pranced into the office like he’d just cured cancer’. He even ‘had the temerity’ to ask Brother Matthew when we were starting to construct the manufacturing building. To which he quick retorted ‘One’s enough, don’t you think’. So, it was a surprise to Brother Jamie when he was sent to the sauna shed to clear out all of dead bodies and get Brother Jacob to snap out of it. Oh, and he wants you to know that the rest of you aren’t totally getting away with it. Don’t think I’ve got away with it. I too got a justified telling off for not stepping in at any time to tell you all that you were building ‘a pile of shite’. You may think that now that construction has finished you can all ‘lounge around’, but although you are all exhausted he thinks it is only fitting that your punishment is to watch Brother Malcolm sleep for the next few nights. As he is the only member (except for Neon Fuchsia who get to have a lie in, in their water beds) who hasn’t let him down, unless his dreadful concoctions caused all you to hallucinate that that thing was a decent building.
Day Of Harmony
As it is the newly appointed Inter-Galactic Day Of Harmony next Friday (and Brother Matthew being away on that mysterious Brethren business), the Oracle has announced a day for celebrating our achievements. We have gone through a lot of obstacles over the last few months from Brother Norman’s betrayal to the rebuild and the mass suicides in the sauna shed. And that’s not even mentioning what was supposed to happen on 01/07/17. So, the Oracle has decided to award us all for our devotion. To start off with, the Oracle is allowing all compound residents a well deserved lie in. So, we don’t need to get up for chanting until 5.30. We then get to sample the delicacies of Brother Bernard, who is sure to cook us all up a treat. We then get to attend our Thoughtshare sessions, but while Sister Ruth and her staff warmly berate us, we each get an ice pole to suck on. Of course, we all still have to attend to our duties within the Brethren, as those roofs won’t polish themselves. But who says that scrubbing out all the toilets (with a toy brush from a Sylvanian Families set) can’t be fun as the Oracle is letting us play his Number 514 chart topper, ‘I’d eat flies off you’ on an endless loop. Something we can all look forward to. We then all get to spend the evening watching the Enlightened Brethren’s television channel, while getting the chance to construct the new product line from Galactic Goods. As we might as well make ourselves useful. The day is rounded up by the Oracle allowing his Brethren to fall asleep to a recording of him talking about such diverse subjects as his thoughts on who the worse Negative Oppositionals are to his hair styling regime. As this will be transmitted through a loud speaker also on a loop, we all get to hear our great leader’s wise words, all night long.
Brethren News – 136 days after Judgement Day
Good news for the Brethren as our recent donation to the local dog’s home has been gratefully accepted. After years of animosity between the Brethren and the canine community it looks as though we can now all work together, as our dear Binky would want. And that little misunderstanding is resolved. They all should know years ago when the Brethren was in its infancy and we used to turn up to funerals of vets with placards that read ‘dog hates fags’, we were only highlighting the dangers of cigarette smoke to dogs. In hindsight we could have used better words, and turning up to the funerals was a bit random. But now we have an open discourse with the dog’s home we can now move forward in our pledge to Binky. So eager were the dog’s home to combine our forces that, when asked, they claimed that they’d never heard of us. Here’s to a bright future.
Brethren News – 138 days after Judgement Day
With the recent tabloid news, a lot of you are probably wondering – no, ten of the Brethren’s brightest did not take the ultimate sacrifice and drink the cool aid. Yes, their bodies were all found in the ruins of the previous merchandising shed clutching testimonies that declared that they had vacated their machinery. No, that wasn’t strictly true. We had to make the media think that as the truth of the matter was far worse. You remember a few weeks ago when Brother Malcolm had surprised us all by providing a semi edible fish dish. After his previous concoction* had left the majority of the Brethren bed ridden, he had stated that he would make it up to the survivors. Remember how we were all impressed that he had caught the fish, as he’d never done it before. Well, as it happens he was such a novice that he ended up cutting corners by poisoning the pond and caught them as they all floated to the surface. Brother Matthew discovered their limp bodies in the cafeteria and devised a brilliant plan to stage a mass suicide and be interviewed distancing the Brethren from their actions. Which is what they would have wanted; to cover up the effect of Brother Malcolm’s dodgy cuisine and take one for the team, so to speak. When I asked why the Brethren lied, Brother Matthew kindly waited until I’d regained consciousness to explain that honesty is very important to the Brethren. But there is an exception that the Oracle wrote into our beliefs – Fair Bollocks, the rule that any Brethren can tell any old claptrap to people who seek to do them harm. And when I asked if Brother Malcolm was going to be punished, Brother Matthew stated that making him cook meals when he hasn’t got a clue, leading to him being despised by everyone is punishment in itself. And it also punishes us all as someone must have given him the poison.
*a casserole made from some fungus he’d found growing in the cupboard.
News Update - 324 days after Judgement Day
The Brethren are very proud to unveil their next venture in conjunction with Galactic Goods as we go into the very exciting world of real estate. We as an organisation recognise that certain members have given so much to the Brethren that they’ve sold their houses and are forced to sleep in a tent at the bottom of the Brethren garden. So, we’ve had the foresight to build affordable housing to some Brethren in need. And no. the Oracle wants to make it very clear that he’s not talking about the dozens of empty buildings we have, as there’s obviously a purpose for all of them. And if any of you have further questions you can ask Brother Matthew. No, the properties in question exist in other dimensions. Of course right now the Oracle is the only one who has been able to visit these properties, but once our new Brethren inventor (our previous Brethren podiatrist) Professor Results comes up with something that enables us to move through dimensions this will be a very smart investment for the future. For the measly amount of £10,000 deposit you too could have the chance to own an inter-dimensional property. And if you’re too skint for that, just borrow it from the bank. You’ll be in your new house when the begging letters come anyway. Further details can be found on Galactic Goods.
Early Success For Café Consciousness (345 Days since Judgement Day)
We are very proud to announce that the Brethren’s new culinary venture, Café Consciousness, has been a great success amongst the Brethren and public alike. Residing in one of those so-called abandoned buildings that our enemies, the Negative Oppositionals, have claimed was only built for tax reasons. When in fact it was always going to be a café, like all the other buildings have a purpose, which Brother Matthew will fully explain in his newest Fists Of Truth presentation. Staffed by eager* Brethren members, the café offers reasonably priced home cooking and a nice atmosphere, which has been a hit with local hipster students for our organic quinoa waffles and coffee beans that have come exclusively from the backside of a dog. One of our Yelp reviews that wasn’t written by us is from a Tarquin Stain who says:
‘Everything about my visit to Café Consciousness was spot on. From the bleak chic furnishings to the dog bowls that we had to eat out of, the place reeks of comic irony. I mean, pretending to be run by a cult who believes in dimensions, just brilliant. There were nice little touches with the pretend cult literature dotted around the premises and the soundtrack of their pretend leader reciting the menu on a loop. The staff looked genuinely happy to be there, and not a hint of embarrassment that they were dressed in pyjamas. But they were all in on the joke as they feebly tried to love bomb me by telling me that my whole college course hates me because I’m special. The food was decently priced, and I’d recommend their locally sourced rhapsody stew with a side portion of salvation, acceptance on toast, serenity calzone and celestial pancakes for afters. And the place is a charitable venture too with 10% of all profits going to help families in war torn countries and allowing us the public to contribute to their cause. I have to give Café Consciousness a whopping 5 out of 5.’
So, you see the public have really taken Café Consciousness to their hearts and it paid off not gobbing in their food because our customers are NOs’ or mentioning that the war torn families are from other dimensions. And the whole being a spiritual organisation pretending to be a cult that believes in what we believe angle was genius. But as Brother Matthew** is due to inspect the premises any day now, there’s a general feeling that this strategy may alter shortly.
*Eager to escape Brother Malcolm’s rank offerings and eat something that doesn’t make their hair and toe nails fall out.
** If you thought Gordon Ramsey was bad…
Brother Malcolm’s Mediterranean Rat Pie - 365 Days Since Judgement Day
To mark the anniversary of Judgement Day (and indirectly advertise our new eatery, Café Consciousness), Brother Malcolm has agreed to share another recipe for one of his ghastly concoctions. This time his signature dish, Mediterranean Rat Pie.
Ingredients
4 x Medium sized rats (these can be easily found crawling under the cooker)
Flour
Water
Oregano
Method
Preheat the oven to gas mark 6. Add the flour to water and knead to an alright pastry. Line a foil tin tray with the pastry and set aside. Bash the rats brains in with a mallet and beat the rest until a bloody pulp. Strain the liquid in a sieve to dispose of all bone and hair and pour on top of the pastry. Add oregano for the Mediterranean twist – don’t worry, if like me, you don’t always have access to oregano, just use any old plant you come across and claim it’s oregano. Place in the oven for half an hour or until it really stinks.
Cafe Consciousness Menu
As many Brethren members have praised the new Cafe Consciousness, but commented that their generous 20 minute lunch break
is not not enough time to get there and order lunch, we at the Web Sight serve to help the Brethren by displaying the cafe menu below.
Woman Up (470 days after Judgement Day)
To highlight the Me Too and Time’s up movements, as well as celebrating our very own Sister Zoe reaching Level Cadmium*, she will be personally unveiling a new course to all our fellow sisters called Woman Up. The two-week programme aims to empower our sisters while emphasising the daily sexist behaviour of our brothers, by recreating their misogynistic opinions. Sisters can progress through the course by cooking and cleaning while wearing a short skirt, stiletto heels and caked in makeup. During the two-week period, our sisters will show their endurance by looking after the children (the Oracle’s brood and the other two), being overly enthused at flower arranging and knitting as well as remembering to smile. All participants will be expected to drive erratically and be bad at comedy, maths and sport. Special course credits can be achieved by being girly, over-emotional and avoiding serious intellectual conversations, preferring to discuss fluffy subjects such as kittens and shoes. Any sister found to be feisty will be forced to leave the process. Sisters will pretend to be enamoured by any subject our brothers care to discuss, even if it is one of Brother Gerald’s updates on the sex dungeon he is building in his garage. At the end, the sisters get to travel individually to Brethrenville, where the Oracle congratulates each of them by charging up the spacecraft while wearing a special glove. Afterwards each of the sisters can commemorate the experience by getting a tattoo of the oracle in an intimate place**, to remind us all that we are powerful beings that are not owned by any man, including the Oracle.
*Which she wanted us to point out was not achieved by ‘sleeping her way to the top’, but by hard work and that inheritance she received.
** As it is a personal reminder that doesn't need to be viewed by other people, such as friends and family.
Oracle Room Burglary (527 days after Judgement Day)
The Brethren were shocked to their core today when we discovered that the Oracle’s room in the Sanctuary was broken into last night. The room, that is set aside for the Oracle in case he ever fancied visiting us from Brethrenville, was ransacked with what appeared to be empty cans and a large pizza box scattered all over the floor. Further evidence that this was carried out by a Negative Oppositional was the fact that the takeaway was delivered by Deliveroo (from the discarded receipt), who are well known to deliver on one of the Brethren’s enemies, a bicycle. As the Oracle was the only one who possessed a set of keys to the room, the Brethren have a suspicion that a NO managed to infiltrate Brethrenville security to steal his keys, travel back to the Sanctuary to break into his room, get drunk and eat a pizza. When asked to comment about the incident, the Oracle was nowhere to be seen, but the Mistress explained that she banished him to another dimension for forgetting her birthday. But when he gets back, we’re sure that he will be as outraged as we are.
Celebrity Recruit
The Brethren are very pleased to announce our newest celebrity recruit, Candice Barrett. Candice, who is famous for being YouTube vlogger Julia Now’s daughter, says that she is most looking forward to being able to break free of her famous mother. She understands that her mother gets more viewers whenever she humiliates Candice on camera, but it still hurts, like when her mother read out her diary to her millions of viewers or cruelly poked fun out of the contents of Candice’s handbag. Candice states that she is sick of living in the shadow of someone who’s only famous for filming her own daughter getting dumped. In the Brethren Candice has found a purpose for the first time in her life. Something more meaningful than continually bitching about shoes and she looks forward to her membership leading to her being taken seriously in the public’s eyes. Like financially supporting a plan to build an orphanage in another dimension. Welcome aboard Sister Candice.
Brother Malcolm’s Brethren Banquet
More information has recently come out about Brother Malcolm’s proposed Brethren banquet. Recently our much-maligned cook has been desperately trying to improve his profile after a spate of food poisonings, one which memorably resulted in an elaborate cover up by the Brethren when a few of them died from ingesting poisoned fish. As a result, Brother Malcolm persuaded Brother Matthew to allow him to present a variety of his most favourite (the one’s that didn’t make people sick) cuisine to the Brethren next weekend. If the promise of a full day of Malcolm’s rank offerings have whet your appetite (me neither), the day’s menu can be seen below:
Starters
Frog Spawn Two Ways*
Crow Kebabs
Algae Surprise
Pigeon Egg Omelette
Spicy Wasp Soup
Mains
Road Kill Lasagna**
Worm Spaghetti
Slug Wellington
All served with fresh steamed vegetables (mostly carrots)***
Desserts
Squirrel Eyeball Jelly
Rice Pudding****
Cat Brain Sorbet
If like me, you dread the coming weekend, Brother Matthew wanted to remind us all that Brother Malcolm has planned his Brethren banquet coincidentally on the same day as the Brethren’s very own Café Consciousness plan to stage their own. If you’re like me, Hypnotic Sustenance and Inspirational Renaissance seems far more appetising than anything Brother Malcolm could come up with. And with Café Consciousness none of us must suspect that our meal was pulled out of a tramp’s boak. And that’s not all, any Brethren customers who eat there on Saturday will automatically qualify for a 50% discount*****.
*One as pretend caviar, the other as pretend tapioca.
** Instead of pasta, the dish incorporates layers of dead badger, rabbit and gull.
*** Brother Malcolm wants to refute those rumours - he did not source the veg by picking it out of piles of vomit found outside of kebab shops.
**** Garnished with dead flies.
***** Not in monetary terms (which is actually more expensive), but a 50% percent discount for your soul.
Enlightened Rhymes (930 days after Judgement Day)
I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way, as the Oracle famously sang. And he is right. We have to think about all of the Oracle’s kids and the other two. They are the first generation who have never known anything except the Sanctuary. They may have not grown up with childish notions, such as there being nothing after death, knowing that there are trillions of dimensions and we will all become 1TS. From Oracle Publishing, The Enlightened Brethren Of The Sacred Wisdom are proud to announce the release of our new book of nursery rhymes, Enlightened Rhymes. Including favourites such as ‘See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you’ll have good luck – as long as you give it to Brother Matthew’, or ‘One two, buckle my shoe. Three, four, donate more’. Illustrated by Sister Anne, who has pictured all our favourite characters, each in their Brethren pyjamas… Including some mice and an egg… And that cat’s way too big… Anyway, reserve your extra* copy from Galactic Goods from next week.
*Purchase is mandatory – think of the children.
Further Slurs from the NOs’ (932 Days After Judgement Day)
After the recent accusations that have come from the Negative Oppositionals to blacken our dear Oracle’s good name, we here at The Web Sight thought it important to make a statement about their cruel claims and show that it is all Fake News. Yes, it is true that few years ago the Brethren were blessed to have the Oracle stay at the Sanctuary with us. That’s why we keep a room free for him here, in case he once again graces us with his presence. The same room that got broken into a few months ago, by someone who was obviously not the Oracle. But yes, he used to stay there in the early days of the Brethren. It is true that he shared his wisdom of yoga techniques to unsuspecting sisters. But unlike our ex member Brother Norman claimed, he did not ‘run up to them and grab them by the fanny’, but was merely imparting a misunderstood yoga move that depends on the element of surprise. It is true that he did make the women call him Daddy and referred to them as Bitch and he did tell any woman who vocally opposed him to go ‘fuck themselves’. And the Oracle’s children are all around the same age. But the recruiters, Sluts for SB, did not accuse the Oracle of harassing them while they were they were doing their very important job of Hooking for SB. And no, the Oracle was not banished to Brethrenville because he kept groping the women. Because he was also doing it to the men. The Oracle has admitted that some of his past behaviours have been questionable. But he has explained that he did it all deliberately in order to detox that behaviour from his system, so that he can be the ideal leader to rescue us from Judgement Day, whenever that might be. So, you see, the Oracle of today is very different, someone who respects our sisters when they help him charge up the spacecraft, even allowing the Mistress of the Oracle to watch. He openly praised Sister Zoe’s recent Woman Up course, even inviting all of the graduates up to Brethrenville for a special charging ceremony. So Brother Norman’s slurs against our dear leader are unfounded at best (that’s what we feel anyway), and show once more that feelings are more important than facts. The Oracle was contacted to respond to these slurs but the Mistress informed us that he had been called away to urgent business in another dimension.
Exciting Judgement Day News (7 Days Until Judgement Day)
See Judgement Day News.
Judgement Day False Alarm (940 Days After Judgement Day)
The Oracle has apologised for what is now known as the Judgement Day hoax. It became clear when no intergalactic spacecraft came for us that something had gone awry. And the Oracle has explained that he purposefully made the whole thing up to distract us all from his recent legal problems. And he thought it would do us all good to prepare for ultimate destruction and wanted to see if we could achieve this in one week. Which we couldn’t as it happened: a week is too short to put a house on the market and none of us managed to complete the Trials of Tharn. All donations given by Brethren members who have sold all their belongings, are what the name suggests: donations. And we all know that asking for a full refund is one of the indications of being a NO. As it turns out that our benevolent leader was selflessly guarding us from the reality of his situation. Our dear leader was being taken to court by a vengeful ex member, Sister Agnes, who claims that one of the Oracle’s signature yoga moves gave her chlamydia. Our leader’s argument from the defense was that Sister Agnes is only doing this to get back at the Brethren for throwing her out for shagging the dead. The Oracle, his always sensitive self, was really affected by the whole ordeal; both mentally and physically. Just turning up to court with his zimmer frame, colostomy bag, oxygen mask and dark glasses, the casual observer would see a man in torment. But no, the heartless judge sent our great leader to prison. Again. The Oracle will still govern us from his jail cell, as the Mistress sneaks out his sermons. In the meantime, Brother Matthew will take on a more hands on approach, and is hoping to host another one of his Fists Of Truth presentations. Which will definitely take our minds off everything.
The Oracle’s release (987 Days after Judgement Day)
Today the authorities have finally seen reason and let our dear Oracle out of prison. Yes, they’ve realised that they have wrongfully imprisoned a great man and Sister Agnes probably got chlamydia because of her loose ways. They now see that the Oracle is an important force for good and needs to lead the Brethren to their ultimate destiny on Judgement Day. Out of shame, they won’t admit that the Oracle is such a benevolent figure, who treats women with kindness and respect, except for the Mistress who’s just asking for it.
The Web Sight thought it is vital to report this, before the Negative Oppositionals predictably try to tarnish this good man’s name, with their possible claims that the Oracle was probably let out because of overcrowding and the threat of Covid 19, whatever that is.
Instead, the Oracle would like us all to know that he only thinks of all of you, and will continue to give sermons and charge up the spacecraft again (in his respectful way) when he comes back from his latest journey. Yes, although he has only just come back to his flock, he thought it wise to visit other dimensions to spread his teachings. And also, because the Mistress banished him there. No, and that’s not because of his cheating and that he might spread the virus everyone’s talking about, or STD’s. She was merely thinking of his wellbeing. And before the NOs spread their lies, other dimensions is not a euphemism for the spare room.
Social Distancing (1081 Days After Judgement Day)
As the Brethren have been querying what our position is with the current global lockdown, we thought it would be useful for the Web Sight to clarify this for our members. The Enlighted Brethren of the Sacred Wisdom have always been isolated from society and, as one of our beliefs is that only Negative Oppositionals can catch viruses, we do not apply to the current predicament.
However, it is important that we give the impression to the outside world that we do. So, for all casual Brethren members who do not currently live in the Sanctuary you will now be expected to doom monger from home, while keeping in constant contact with the Web Sight for further instruction. Likewise, members living within the Sanctuary should practice social distancing. Some of you have already been successful at doing this – look at Brother Malcolm as an example, but it might be because people already avoid him like the plague. Also, Sister Ruth has made it clear that she would like you all to social distance themselves from her, and not just because she “can’t be doing with all your whiny nonsense at the moment”. Brother Matthew has temporarily suspended his planned ‘Fists Of Truth’ seminars until further notice, and has instructed all of you to smack yourselves in the face in the meantime.
Only following these measures will show the Negative Oppositionals that we are a legitimate social force for good. And any accusations that we are not, shall result in legal proceedings. Well it would if we could afford it.
Clap for the Oracle – (1085 Days After Judgement Day)
The weekly clap for the Oracle, a tradition that the Enlightened Brethren had started at the start of the month has been a great success, with Brethren members being able to show their adoration for our amazing Father figure. And to thank him for the Enlightened Brethren of the Sacred Wisdom preventing their devoted members from contracting the Covid 19 virus, and anyone showing symptoms are revealing themselves to have been Negative Oppositionals all along.
Talking of which, the Oracle has brought up his suspicions that the NOs’ are probably claiming* that the clap for the Oracle should be renamed the clap from the Oracle, cruelly mentioning the Oracle’s recent jail sentence**.
But as much of a success that the clap for the Oracle has been, the man himself has mentioned from his distant island of Brethrenville that he has sensed that not all of our members have joined in as enthusiastically. As a powerful telepath, the Oracle knows when not all of the Brethren are clapping for him, or doing a sarcastic slow clap (we’re looking at you Brother Marcus). Any members found to not be thankful to this great man shall be socially distanced outside of the Sanctuary. So think about that.
*As we are all socially distancing from the outside world, we don’t know that they are saying for certain, but the Oracle has a feeling that they are.
**Which the authorities has rectified recently by releasing him, because he was innocent, and not because of overcrowding during a pandemic, which is fake news.
Café Consciousness Closure – 1090 Days After Judgement Day
It’s with great sadness that the Web Sight has to announce the closure of our successful Café Consciousness. As the general public are currently under lockdown, it didn’t seem worth keeping the café open for a few Brethren members trying to pay for something more palatable than Brother Malcolm’s gross offerings*. And as we are all socially distancing and in general lockdown, it didn’t make sense to keep the café open**. As Café Consciousness was actively financing our planned Judgement Day, whenever that might be, the Brethren have decided to recoup some of our losses by selling some of the furnishing to you exclusively through Galactic Goods. So don’t miss out on owning the special ‘Binky Says Woof’ dog bowls***, tapings of the Oracle orating the menu or copies of the menu signed by the great man himself. All for a measly £500 each. So watch this space.
*No offense meant, but if any members are offended, then they’re not as enlightened as they should be.
**I know that the Brethren are incapable of catching the virus, but we have to pretend that we are susceptible in order to appear socially responsible to the outside world. When this is all over it might lead to an increase in membership – you never know.
***Who wouldn’t want to eat their meals out of a dog bowl. It might make eating Brother Malcolm’s offerings more attractive.
New Leaflet – 1095 Days After Judgement Day
The Brethren have announced an exciting new recruitment programme through the creation of a new leaflet titled ‘Tips of how to minimise the spread’. Although the Enlightened Brethren of the Sacred Wisdom are immune to catching the virus, we thought it would be helpful to offer our guidance and knowledge to the public. With useful advice about general cleanliness (I know, our very own Brother Malcolm could also use this), social distancing with mask and glove wearing, the leaflet also offers the ultimate prevention by offering the reader the opportunity to join our group. Once this is all over of course.
As our members who live outside of the Sanctuary have been currently doom mongering from home, the new initiative will get our members out again in the public eye and keep the Enlightened Brethren in their minds.
Brother Malcolm's Seagull Pie (1518 Days After Judgement Day)
Ever since the Brethren’s Café Consciousness was forced to close its doors last year due to the global pandemic, we have all* had to suffer more of Brother Malcolm’s frankly disturbing concoctions. Now today, partly due to Brother Matthew explaining to Brethren members who have mentioned losing their taste and smell, that they’ve not caught covid (due to Brethren members being invulnerable to all diseases**), but as a reaction to eating Brother Malcolm’s offerings. The other reason Brother Matthew has allowed Brother Malcolm to print another one of his ghastly recipes, is to capitalise on a fortunate incident*** that occurred when a seagull smashed through the kitchen window. After strangling it with the straps of his mask, Brother Malcolm came up with this diabolical creation.
Seagull Pie
Ingredients
1 Seagull
A couple of Pigeon Eggs
A tablespoon of cat’s milk****
A handful of flour*****
Method
Prepare the seagull by removing the beak and feathers with a hammer and a blowtorch******.
Once the seagull is fully bald, set about chopping it up into bits, including the seagull’s brain. Set aside some of the seagull’s belly fat to make the sauce. Use some of it to fry the seagull meat until it starts to smell okay. Make the sauce by slowly adding cat milk to a handful of flour. As I only managed to get a tablespoon before I was bitten, I would suggest using tap water as well. Also stir in the seagull fat. Once it starts to look like a sauce, add the pigeon eggs, and the seagull flesh. While that’s cooking add more water to flour to make a pastry base. Line a tin with the seagull fat and the rolled out pastry. Add the seagull, cat milk, pigeon egg thing and add a pastry cover. Put in the oven on gas mark 6 for forty minutes, or whenever you remember.
*With the exception of Brother Matthew, Sister Ruth and Brother Daniel who deservedly were catered by the café’s own chef.
** Except the ones that members have died from.
*** No-one else in the Brethren thinks of this as fortunate.
**** From the various scratches on Brother Malcolm, no it’s not the lactose free milk substitute for cats.
***** Donated from the newly closed Café Consciousness.
****** Also donated from the newly closed Café Consciousness. What were they thinking?
Vaccinations and Brainwashing
In direct response to Brother Marcus telling everyone that the claim that the Brethren can’t catch Covid is ‘a load of old bollocks’ and the reason why we are pretending that we can catch it for the public is because we actually can catch it, the Web Site strongly refutes his baseless claims. Yes, we’ve all been self-isolating and social distancing from each other, but that’s merely for the public to think that we’re just like them. Oh, and also to give Sister Ruth a break. And yes, we’ve pretty much all received our vaccinations, but that’s so that we can gain the public’s trust again when we inevitably re-open Café Consciousness. So, that’s good news for any members sick of Brother Malcolm’s fever dream creations. And while we’re on the subject, any Brethren members who bought furniture and signed menus from the café after it closed will bring it all back in preparation for the re-opening. Anyone who asks for a refund will be seen as a Negative Oppositional as that was clearly a donation.
And on the subject of regaining the trust of the public, The Enlightened Brethren want to squash the rumour that our group brainwash people. I mean, it’s ridiculous. If it were true, then we’re not doing a very good job, if Brother Marcus is anything to go by. The strategy that Brother Matthew has come up with is for the recruiters to deliberately select those members of the public that, even after a year and a half, still wear their mask below their noses. Because these people are very obviously not easily influenced – I mean, they must have seen loads of people wearing their masks properly, but still think ‘no, my way’s better’. So, if we persuade one of them, we’re obviously not into brainwashing. But Brother Matthew states that this should only be used as a façade for the public. We shouldn’t seriously try to enlist them to the Brethren. Not because they don’t wear their masks correctly, endangering the rest of the Brethren, because we can’t catch Covid anyway. No, it’s because, after all this time. Really?
The Re-Opening Of Cafe Consciousness (1522 Days Since Judgement Day)
The Web Sight is very proud to announce the re-opening of Café Consciousness in the Autumn . After Brother Daniel managed to acquire the last few pieces of café furniture from unwilling Brethren members* while they were asleep. The café will serve favourites such as Moral Osmosis and Inspirational Truth, but to celebrate the re-opening of the café, the chef has devised a new meal deal: The Nectar Of Consciousness. The meal consists of a starter of Omnipotent Blessing (bruschetta), a main of Atoned Declaration (Sausage and Mash) and a dessert of Conjured Fascination (Eton Mess). All for the bargain of £10.00. As Café Consciousness is situated around the corner from the local university, the opening will coincide with fresher’s week. To keep our potential customers at ease, all staff will have had both covid vaccinations, and be sporting our exclusive Enlightened Brethren ‘Another Dimension’ masks**. The café plans to suspend their popular ‘Binky’s Brew’ indefinitely, as it’s been decided that in a post covid world, it might not be acceptable to harvest coffee beans from a dog’s arse. So, the Brethren will be looking for volunteers to cross out the listing on the menu with a sharpie.
The bad news for the Brethren though is that because the tables have to be well spaced, the café will only be able to fill half capacity and the seating will only be given to non-members***. Instead, the members will be allowed to get take-away if they are fully vaccinated. As Brethren must be allowed to help in the success of the café and get to avoid Brother Malcolm’s infernal offerings.
* Some Brethren members are using the positive attributes of social distancing to be obstinate, as Brother Matthew has been reduced to merely glaring at certain members from a distance.
** Which will be on sale in the café.
*** Except for Sister Ruth, Brother Matthew and Brother Daniel because they’ve become accustomed to being cooked for by the chef.
Brother Malcolm’s New Revolting Concoction (2108 Days Since Judgement Day)
Yes, we are sharing another one of Brother Malcolm’s appalling offerings, but we feel that we must warn any unsuspecting Brethren. You see, because the oven packed in last week*, our brother has been thinking of deplorable alternatives. So, when he trapped a couple of mice, he decided to use them to his advantage** and came up with this monstrous recipe. So, we are only sharing this so that we all know***.
Mouse Tartar
Ingredients
Two mice
Seagull’s Egg
Salt & Pepper
Method
Shave and cut the heads off the mice. Stick them in a food processor with the seagull’s egg and the salt and pepper. Serve.
You’re probably all gagging just reading this, I know I am. But at least the good thing is that, as he only caught two, only one or two Brethren will be forced to eat it. The sort of good news**** is that the rest of us will be subjected to Brother Malcolm’s pet project, Earth Worm spaghetti***** in a tomato sauce. We are not going to print the recipe, as it’s exactly what it sounds like: boiled worms****** with a tin of tomatoes dumped over the top. Accompanied with his self-proclaimed signature dish, Soil Surprise******* We, here at the Web Sight would like to end this article by reminding everyone that Café Consciousness is running a special buy one, buy another one special offer********.
*Can you blame it. It probably died in shame.
** But no-one else’s.
*** Café Consciousness, 215 Greenwich Road. Opening hours: 9:00 am to 9:00 pm. Monday – Friday.
**** Which can be more accurately be described as less bad news.
***** According to our Brethren gardeners {who grow food for Café Consciousness), Brother Malcolm has been spotted over the last few days collecting worms.
****** (Un)fortunately the kettle still works.
******* It’s alarming to think that there’s something in it that’s more surprising than soil.
******** We know that it doesn’t sound like much of a special offer, but when you think about it, it really is compared to the alternative.
The Oracle is cancelled (2122 Days Since Judgement Day)
The Web Sight is solemn to report that our dearly beloved Oracle has been cancelled by the general public. As the result of Brethren members moving in with relatives during lockdown, family members have caught snippets of the Oracle’s recent sermons, specifically when he said that Negative Oppositionals were all fat, stupid and ugly. It was reported in the tabloids that the Oracle was guilty of body shaming, and he’s one to talk about intelligence when he posted his video to the internet. One spokesperson stated that the Oracle is one to body shame, when he’s always fully cloaked – what has he got to hide?
Well, obviously he meant that the Negative Oppositionals were metaphorically fat, stupid and ugly. We think. We don’t want to condone what the Oracle said, just take a neutral position as we don’t want to get cancelled too. And why do the public have to pick the Oracle on the first slip… Okay, second slip after getting to spend the rest of his sexual assault charge as house-arrest due to the pandemic. And I suppose, the fraud charge. But I want to say four… But they can’t concentrate on the good that our dear Oracle has done: the various charity work he has organised to help refugees in other dimensions or the fact that he earned a degree in everything in the galaxy of lovely. Our dear Oracle has decided that the best course of action is lay low for a while until it all blows over. Although he is far away in Brethrenville, he won’t film any sermons for a while. He will still converse with the Brethren telepathically, so be prepared as there will be a quiz later.
