TV Listings
TV schedule update (149 Days Until Judgement Day)
Due to the majority of the Brethren busily rebuilding at the moment, our regular schedule has been suspended until the task has been completed. Any Brethren members who are found to be watching unauthorised television will be met with a film taken during the build of various members slagging them off.
Monday
6 am – 7 am
Meal or No Meal
The first live link up to our punished Brethren in the sauna shed, where our contestants are challenged to win a meal for the day through a series of activity courses and telepathy tests, while reciting the whole Book Of Wisdom.
7am – 7.30 am
You’ve Been Maimed
Once more we join Brother Dominic as he presents another selection of hilarious, yet catastrophic, video clips that the Brethren security staff just happened to have filmed. Whether it’s Sister Carla slipping into that coma, Brother Barry falling out that window, or just Brother Matthew popping up at inopportune circumstances, this batch of clips are bound to raise a smile at the antics of our clumsy brothers and sisters. And there is a prize for the funniest clip: £250 of your own money to donate to your favourite Brethren charity.*
7.30 – 8.00 am
You’ve Been Blamed
Using the same stock of footage that the security staff just happened to film, Sister Stephanie, introduces the show that catches out Brethren members who have been seen breaking our laws on camera. They might have thought they got away with it, but Sister Stephanie puts a sting in place to trick these disobedient members into confessing their love of clowns, denim and the Bulgarian culture.
8.00 – 9.00 am
Meal or No Meal
Our second link up to the sauna shed, where we find who has repented for their sins, who has passed out with heat exhaustion, and who has been voted the worst person in the room by the rest of the contestants. The winner of this prize wins a chance to spend the day all by themselves in solitary confinement while listening to an endless loop of the rest of the contestants slagging them off.
9.00 – 10.00 am
Brethren Cash In The Attic
We join Brother Philip as he takes the Brethren’s donations from their Give All to a variety of antique dealers in order to get the best valuation. Whether it be Brother Simon’s Spiderman comic collection, Sister Ann’s family heirloom wedding dress, or Brother Daniel’s surprising collection of Ming vases, Brother Philip attempts to raise enough money to share amongst the Brethren; so that we may have an upgrade and in-flight entertainment when the rescue ship comes for us.
10.00 – 1.00 pm
Galactic Goods
Brother Roger and Sister Patricia present another three hours of all of the hot purchases from the Brethren catalogue. They show off more of the Oracle’s back catalogue of Science Fiction books that he wrote before forming the Brethren. Yes, you too can get a hold of his prized first novel (under the pseudonym, Kurt Astral), The Day of the Telepathic Caribous, as well as, Galactic Lords Of The Robotic Socks and Escape From Apocalypse (via a spacecraft that transports us to another dimension). Brother Roger and Sister Patricia also show off new children’s books from the Brethren’s newest celebrity member, Sister Chantelle - The Little Princess And The Magical Magazine Deal: The Wizard, The Orphaned Pony And The Trip To The World Cup: and Mr Peabody’s Super Injunction.
For a chance to reserve any of these exciting titles, call - 0800 xxx xxxx**
2.00 - 3.00 pm
Meal Or No Meal
We visit the sinners in the sauna shed once more as they are in for a wonderful surprise; a visit from one of our prized celebrity Brethren, Brother Bobby Ball. As the contestants lose half their body weight in the sauna, and are by now hungry, thirsty and exhausted, Brother Bobby delivers a seminar on how the Brethren has changed his life, while receiving a full body massage and eating a sandwich.
3.00 - 3.30 pm
The (Bad) News
We join the (bad) news team for a countdown to Judgement Day, an update on the amputation of certain Brethren members and reasons why the NO’s are out to get you. Also included is a special on how the NO’s are out to get you by sabotaging our countdown to Judgement Day as they contribute to increasing numbers of Brethren amputations.
3.30 - 5.30 pm
Junior Brethren Television
3.30 - 4.00 pm
The Junior (Bad) News
Due to budget constraints, the exact same (bad) news bulletin as before, except delivered by the presenters in child friendly rhetoric while wearing chunky knit novelty jumpers.
4.00 - 4.30 pm
Oracle - The Animated Series
An animated serialisation of when our dear Oracle got trapped in another dimension for five years. See him fight demons, heal the sick through song and eventually when he gets home, try to explain all of this in his unfair dismissal employment tribunal.
4.30 - 5.00 pm
Find The Orange
Join Sister Katie and Brother Johnny in the crazy, yet challenging quiz that we’ve all been talking about. Five Junior Brethren members take on a series of complex tasks - answering questions about the Enlightened Brethren, while completing an obstacle course: an exciting painting contest, while the Junior Brethren are bombarded by a Brethren Positive Feeling slide show: and a gunking for any Brethren member caught out by the Junior Brethren. The victor of these tasks and more are given clues in order to track down the elusive symbol of ultimate triumph... An orange! The winner gets to keep the orange, as well as exclusive invitations to the Brethren for him or her to present to their school friends.***
5.30 - 6.30 pm
Meal Or No Meal
The final visit to the sauna shed this evening, as we reward the offending contestants for their tenacity so far, with a horror movie themed game to earn their freedom. Our fun challenge sees the final two contestants chained up at opposite ends of a locked room, with only a saw and a tape recorder to hand. Who-ever passes this final test, the one legged victor shall experience freedom from the sauna shed, as they are then signed up for the Brethren compound construction team.
6.30 - 7.00 pm
Ready, Steady, Kook
Time is against the clock once again as we join the Red Cabbage and Green Cabbage teams, as they create adventurous cuisine for the Brethren with a mystery selection of ingredients (both teams have a bag of brown rice and a stock cube).
7.00 - 8.00 pm
DIY Rescue
This week Brother Colin and his DIY Brethren Action Team are called to help Brother Brian and his celestial partner Sister Rebecca convert their two bedroom flat into accommodation for twelve other Brothers and Sisters.
8.00 - 9.00 pm
Sister Sister Gill
In a new series, we follow our resident Brethren nurse, Sister Sister Gill, as she goes about her day at the base. Curing a broken leg through contact assistance, infertility through chant and a multiple personality disorder with a dose of multivitamins.
9.00 - 6.00 am
End Of Transmission
Anyone still watching at this time instead of doing their chores will be subject to nine hours of Jennifer Aniston movies. Anyone who can survive this torturous assault will wake up in the sauna shed.
* Please note that any clips sent in by anyone other than the sanctuary staff shall be automatically disqualified – use of filming equipment is strictly forbidden by the Brethren and anyone caught using them will be seen as being suspicious of their own kin and shall be sent to the sauna shed.
** Use of a telephone in the Brethren is strictly forbidden. Anyone caught calling this number will be automatically stripped searched in front of the rest of the Brethren, before being sent to the sauna shed.
*** As the Brethren are completely against a competitive nature and the notion of winners and losers in society, the ‘winner’ has to share his or her orange with the other four contestants, who also receive exclusive invitations to give to their school friends.
TV Listings
Tuesday
6 am – 7 am
Celebrity Meal Or No Meal
Our first visit to a special edition of Meal Or No Meal, where our Brethren celebrities are sent to the sauna shed to plead their innocence through a series of mind-bending activities and challenges in sub-tropical temperatures. (As the actual celebrity wing of the Brethren are currently unavailable this week, due to a weeklong seminar and dinner engagement, the ‘celebrity’ roles of the process are instead, infamous members of the Brethren: Brother Gerald, Brother Malcolm, Sister Angela, and Brother Marcus.)
7 am – 10 am
Galactic Goods
Brother Mark and Sister Patricia present another riveting three hours of the hottest products currently available in the Brethren merchandise catalogue, such as Cosmic Healing Goggles, The Brethren Buddy Bracelet, a DVD series* on how to use your Brethren Buddy Bracelet, A guide book to the DVD series of how to use your Brethren Buddy Bracelet ,and some Spiritual Socks.
10 am – 11 am
From Rock God To Oracle
A special documentary charting the Oracle’s early career as a rock star. From his earliest triumphs in folk bands, such as The Death-trap Slippers and The Tiny Terrorists, his prog-rock revival period in Voodoo Sex Candles and The Cosmic Wank Truffles, to his indie rock outfit, Zombie Cleaners, this documentary reveals the magnetism the young Oracle had even in those early days. Interviewing his hordes of devoted fans and groupies (who have now even joined the Brethren), they describe what attracted them to this enigmatic young poet, and how it all ended horribly with his misunderstood new metal garage combo, a band that was named in honour of his audience, The Clap.
11 am – 12 pm
Celebrity Meal Or No Meal
Back at the sauna shed, our hapless ‘celebrities’ first task is to sit in the same room with Brother Malcolm without projectile vomiting.
12 pm – 1pm
Question Time With Brother Matthew
Join us once more for another hour long forum where you, the Brethren get your chance to ask Brother Matthew those challenging queries that you have about the Brethren. However, as Brother Matthew believes that if you really have questions about how the Brethren run things, then you are no better than a NO – so another hour in complete silence then.
1pm – 1.30pm
Grand Designs
Brother Justin presents another intriguing show, revealing a Brethren member who managed to convert his garden shed into a spacious training facility for fourteen new recruits. An unmissable watch, especially for those within the Brethren tasked with building our new housing complex, who will be thoroughly quizzed about the show afterwards.
1.30pm – 2.30pm
Celebrity Meal Or No Meal
As our wise Oracle says, hell is other people, as Brother Gerald continually ogles Sister Angela, Brother Marcus keeps asking questions about the validity of their imprisonment, Brother Malcolm for just being there, and our new recruit Brother Jamie, trying to solve every task with a spreadsheet and a brain storming session.
2.30pm – 3.30pm
The Apprentice
The first in a new series as Brother Matthew is seeking an apprentice to help him as chief aid to the Oracle. Each week, aided by his trusted side-kicks Sister Ruth and Brother Daniel, our candidates are exposed to a series of stressful challenges, such as recruitment, merchandising and the organisation of community projects. See who will triumph in each task, and who will end up with a bollocking in the boardroom (all of them actually, but some a bit less than others).
3.30pm – 4.30pm
Crime Watch
Re-enactments and CCTV footage of the latest Bulgarian atrocities to have befallen our group, such as our ex Sister Anna, who evilly escaped from the Brethren by throwing herself in front of that van, Brother Nigel being found begging a cyclist of all people for food, and Sister Tamsin who was caught writing notes to that policeman.
4.30pm – 5 pm
The (Bad) News
We join the (bad) news team for a countdown to Judgement Day, an update on the amputation of certain Brethren members and reasons why the NO’s are out to get you. Also included is a special on how the NO’s are out to get you by sabotaging our countdown to Judgement Day as they contribute to increasing numbers of Brethren amputations.
5 pm – 6 pm
Inside Medicon – Cancelled
The weekly documentary following the recovery of the addicted members of the Brethren as they cure themselves in one of our few Medicon rehab centres has been cancelled this week. This is due to one of the patients discovering that Brother Malcolm’s Toad Soufflé has hallucinogenic properties once you dry it up and smoke it**. All of the patients have been sent to the sauna shed until further notice.
Instead, we shall watch a slide show of The Oracle’s recent holiday, through a porthole into another dimension, where he met the lost tribe of Splink and learned the mysteries of the galaxy and the infinity of being, over a mochachino.
*Any Brethren member found to have sneaked in a DVD player from their Give All will have the devices confiscated. The Betamax in the Brethren common room is ample entertainment for all of us, and anyone who says otherwise will have the matter cleared up by Brother Matthew.
** If any member of the Brethren offers you a bit of ‘toad’ do not hesitate in reporting this to one of the Elders.
Wednesday to Sunday
What are you doing watching TV? Get back to work!