Galactic Goods
Your Essential Brethren Shopping Guide
Spiritual Catalyst
This might look like a simple rock, but inside the spiritual catalyst is an intricate mechanism that allows the user to speak directly with the Supreme Being. Along with fasting and sleep deprivation, the spiritual catalyst gives the user the rare opportunity to ask SB any burning questions they might have. And all for the discounted price of £10, 000.
Brethren Harmony Bands
An essential accessory for any Brethren recruit, if you don’t already have a harmony band, you really need to examine your commitment to the group and your life in general. But fear not, at Galactic Goods you can instantly repent your earlier misgivings with one easy payment of £100. Yes, in a limited special offer you too can pick up four for the price of five. Yes, you heard right, four for the price of five, the extra money going towards saving your soul. A real bargain.
Fluids Of The Oracle
And another exclusive to Galactic Goods, The Fluids Of The Oracle, the Brethren’s exciting new bottled water. Yes, you too could get a chance to consume the Oracle’s holy bathwater for the knock down price of £19.99. And like a bottle of tequila, you too could be the proud recipients of one of the Oracle’s sacred pubes.
Additional Reading
Pick up your additional copies of the Brethren classic, ‘The Enlightenment’, a book so powerful that merely looking at the book from the corner of your eye can cure cancer and / or menopause. And if you join the Galactic Goods Book Club you can pick up one of these sacred texts for the mere price of £50.00. And that’s not all, members of this exclusive club will also get the chance to purchase the early texts from our beloved Oracle. In the days when he went by the name Kurt Astral and thought that the messages he was receiving from the Supreme Being were merely great ideas for science fiction. The Day of the Telepathic Caribous, as well as, Galactic Lords Of The Robotic Socks and Escape From Apocalypse (via a spacecraft that transports us to another dimension). Each for the special price of £50.00.
Available Course
Warriors Against Negative Kindness
Join our very own Brother Matthew as he teaches how to deflect a Negative Oppositional. Techniques such as talking over them in a loud, firm, yet obnoxious manner. Or freaking them out through hand gestures and a generally sinister demeanour. Please note that any Brethren caught trying out these techniques on Brother Matthew himself shall get a free sample of his Great Balance of Harmony course. For £700 it might be one of the pricier courses, but we insist that it is well worth it. Besides, would you really want to tell Brother Matthew that?
Sharing Harmony In Total Enlightenment
Sister Brenda takes the Brethren to a trance like state (after much fasting and sleep deprivation) where they can see themselves and the universe after 1TS. Yes for only £500 you too could sit with your eyes closed in a dark room for a fortnight. As an additional bonus, Sister Brenda teaches how to sew Brethren pyjamas in the dark.
Cosmic Raise Awareness Programme
A course that instructs the Brethren how to interact with the general public when we are raising money for our many charities. One of our senior charity insight managers, Sister Carol, teaches us the group techniques to communicate our plight through humility, kindness and being able to cry at will. A real advantage for any would be recruiter. For a mere £300 you too could prevent the Oracle from being arrested this time on trumped up charges.
Positive Image Spirit Help
Our very own Head Thought Share Facilitator, Sister Ruth, believes that the secret to improving the ego is to expose it to enough negativity that the Brethren eventually becomes numb. In this course, our sister aims to improve the perception of the Brethren by bombarding each of the members with put downs and general nastiness. With a cut price introductory offer of £500.00, Sister Ruth offers a variety of cruel digs ranging from personal appearance and hygiene to immaturity and the reasons why they’re single.
Awakening Rhythmic Spiritual Euphoria
For a mere £200, you too could join the Brethren chorus as the Oracle gets us (via web link) to chant for world peace, an end to poverty and that the Mistress gets over herself. The chorus even gets the exclusive opportunity to craft Brethren baskets at the same time, as at the end of the day you’re only chanting and your hands should be totally free.
Brethren Assimilation: Love Light Symmetry
A course that is only available for Levels Umber and above. By this stage, members will be expected to astrally project when they want, so this £1000 course trains them to meet each other in each other’s minds, while handcrafting Brethren toys in their shared consciousnesses as well as in reality too.
Transience Of Symbiotic Sustenance
A free course (but donations are expected) for all of our sisters of the Brethren. A course that prepares them on how to behave when they are invited to help the Oracle through fuelling up the spacecraft. Learn what techniques will give the Oracle maximum fuelling and hints and tips of how to achieve the best Cleanse Trance through Fluid Symbiosis. And for the more adventurous sisters, (for an additional donation) the course teaches a group of you how to offer the Oracle a Gracious Cluster.
Balancing Of Lost Light Over Cosmic Kept Secrets
As all Brethren should know by now, the Oracle didn’t just spend his early career as a rock star and science fiction writer. For a while he worked as an expert (as like everything else) yoga instructor. At last, the Oracle has unveiled his newest yoga plan, Balancing Of Lost Light Over Cosmic Kept Secrets. As well as popular techniques such as ‘downward dog’ and ‘lotus position’, we are very excited to finally be teaching the Oracle’s uniquely created hand yoga. Techniques such as ‘Counting The Notes’, ‘Chip and Pin’ and ‘Scooping Up The Change’. A real steal at £250.
IMPORTANT NEWS UPDATE (203 Days Until Judgement Day)
Bad news Brethren – due to our former Brother Norman forcing us to burn down the merchandise wing of the Sanctuary, all Galactic Goods products will not be available, until further notice. This includes the books and courses, as the wicked Brother Norman also made us incinerate the printing department. Thankfully, the exception is we can all still get hydrated with the Fluids of the Oracle, as the former Brother Norman couldn’t get his hands on the Oracle’s holy bath water. As well as the regular bottles retailing at £20.00 each, we are proud to unveil our limited edition* Fluids of the Oracle. Yes, you too could get a personalised edition** with your own name adorning the bottle for only £40.00. And with extra pubes.
*Special offer ends on Judgement Day, so hurry up and bulk buy – there are only so many baths the Oracle can have before the coming apocalypse.
**Do you get the hint, Brother Marcus?
Galactic Goods – Back In Business (149 Days Until Judgement Day)
We are happy to announce that after our recent tragedy, that saw that evil Brother Norman force us to burn down our merchandising shed, we are back in business. All thanks to Brother Daniel, who had the great idea to persuade each member of the Brethren to give up their own books and artefacts while they weren’t home. And what a collection of booty Brother Daniel has helped you all relinquish: books and tapes from the early days of the Brethren such as the course book, Combined Thought Share for Y2K and the Oracle’s very own sermon on preparing for Judgement Day 02/02/02. As each of the goods recovered by our generous Brother Daniel have seen the ravages of time, they are all important pieces of the Enlightened Brethren’s history, and as such, we have charged appropriately. For £50.00 more you too can possess a part of our past or just replace what Brother Daniel took from you in the first place. A sample list of products and prices are listed below.
Books
Inter-dimensional Yoga: £100 (5 in stock)
Celestial Gardening For Peace: £100 (1 in stock)
The Oracle’s autobiography – Modest Saviour of The Whole Universe: £200 (57 in stock – purchase compulsory)
Kid’s book, Chronicles Of Binky: £100 (21 in stock)
Best Of Thought Share Direct – Inside the Funniest, Trivial and Filthy Confessions by Sister Ruth: £100 (87 in stock) – comes free with the original confidential recordings.
Solar Chanting: £100 (2 in stock)
Sister Marion’s Family Photo Album: £500 (1 in stock)
On The Apocalypse Day: Getting To The Privileged Priority Seating by Brother Tiberius: £100 (87 in stock)
Intergalatic Intergalatictudes by Sister Ruth: £150 (2 in stock)
When Brethren Breathe by The Oracle: £400 (87 in stock)
Follow That Boxcar: Tailgating To The Other Dimension by Brother Tiberius: £100 (12 in stock)
Supreme Being Colon Thou Art Loose by The Oracle: £400 (87 in stock)
Due to the great fortune that Brother Marcus managed to get away with taking that stationery from his work, the full list of available books and artefacts can be found in our new hand written catalogue. Yours for only £250. And ironically the catalogue is amongst the list of books that the catalogue details.
Limited Edition 2017 Calendar
Galactic Goods is proud to announce that after we have been busily gathering cardboard (in between building of course), we have created these charming, bespoke calendars for each Brethren member. Hurry up and purchase one (or more) as they are limited edition*. And also we saved on space by only including January until July. Due to the limited nature of the product Galactic Goods is offering this to you today for the knockdown price of £50.00.
*If you think about it, everything is limited edition when you’re approaching Judgement Day.
GALACTIC GOODS EXCLUSIVE (324 days since Judgement Day)
As announced in Brethren News, we are proud to announce that we all have the chance to own our own homes in other dimensions. As the Oracle is currently the only one capable of travelling through multiple dimensions, the pictures of these luxurious homes have been described by him to the Brethren’s resident artist, Sister Audrey, who once again proves why she flunked out of art college. It is worth mentioning that the Oracle had a lot more properties that he described and they were supposed to be colourful, but Sister Audrey lost her felt tips and broke her pencil.
As you can see, each house is a spacious family home. And from the sounds of the Oracle, there might be a pool and / or sauna, possibly a walk in closet and it could all be controlled by computers. There, you heard it here first, these buildings may very well be smart homes, possibly.
For an exclusive chance to own one of these desirable properties just open an account with Enlightened Banking, the only ones you can trust to look after all of your finances. Take out a mortgage with them and for the paltry sum of £10,000 you can put down a deposit for your dream home. In another dimension.
Exclusive to Galactic Goods – 365 Days Since Judgement day
Galactic Goods are proud to present an exclusive necklace and bracelet set designed exclusively by our very own Mistress Of the Oracle, who has had a lot of time on her hands since the Oracle got wrongly imprisoned for fencing stolen goods. Hand crafted from the solidified tears of reason, this charming jewellery set is available to buy for the discount price of £50. But hurry as there’s a limited supply, seeing as the Oracle got out on a technicality. Not only beautiful pieces, this set also shows how committed we all are to the Enlightened Brethren. So, the limited nature also shows us who amongst us really aren’t.
Enlightened Masks (1102 days since Judgement Day)
The Websight and Galactic goods are immensely proud to unveil the most sought-after mask design in recent times: The Enlightened Brethren’s very own PPE of eternal wisdom. At the enviable price of £40, which every Brethren member will be clamouring to own*. The masks are important in our current lockdown situation. We know that it could be argued that Brethren members are immune to the virus, but we must pretend that we’re not. The Oracle has also brought it to our attention that he senses that Brethren members might have problems with the logic of the slogan emblazoned on the front; that members can’t simultaneously be six feet away and in another dimension, when they are obviously only doing the former. But the Oracle has explained that any confusion expressed will show how unenlightened some of our members still are. Our kind Brother Matthew has offered to take a hands-on** approach an explain this individually to these members after the lockdown is over.
*
*Especially once they realise that we’ve already taken the money out of their bank accounts.
**Literally
