Science News
-1 Exciting news from the Professor as he claims he has finally conceived a workable time machine. As our Brethren members at Level Byzantium (i.e. only the Mistress of the Oracle) will know, time travel is achievable at this Spargon Dimension grade, but only allowing them to travel fifteen minutes into the future. The new machine shall allow us to travel into the future by a whole hour, although it does take forty five minutes to set up the contraption.
-2 Good news as we have now successfully developed a method of invisibility, so that the Brethren can eventually use it to spy on the negative oppositionals. However, as we only have a small amount of this ointment at this present time, Brother Matthew has kindly offered to act as a guinea pig for the first batch. So, I know I’d certainly be on my best behaviour at all times. Brother Matthew has also kindly offered to try out the final product when we eventually develop a serum that allows telepathy. Sleep tight!
-3 There has been a mixture of relief and failure for Doctor Essence’s latest experiments into teleportation when it was discovered that the Doctor’s test subject had not in fact been accidentally teleported with a dung beetle when it was revealed that he was in fact Brother Malcolm. Further disappointment ensued when Brother Malcolm admitted to the crowd of five hundred Brethren dignitaries that he had merely walked into the teleportation booth and had not in fact been teleported there. This latest setback has further delayed the Brethren’s plans to teleport all of our people from around the world when the final judgement day occurs.
-4 Exciting developments from our Ethereal Duplication Programme, as our resident scientist Doctor Essence nears the Supreme Being’s aim of cloning our Brethren in trepidation of the Great Evacuation.
Long has our Oracle of the Brethren spoke of our master’s plan to replicate our most devoted of brothers and sisters to fill the seating of our vast, majestic spacecraft that will ultimately transport us to our destiny, and through Doctor Essence’s hard work, we shall finally achieve his great wishes.
Our enemies, the Negative Oppositionals were quick to criticise our promotion of Doctor Essence from Brethren dentist to Brethren scientist, after Doctor Infinity prematurely evacuated himself in the Night of the Great Disappointment. But as we can observe in ground-breaking world-wide exclusive pictures below, Doctor Essence has almost perfected his Ethereal Duplication of Brother Keith. And he’s got great teeth too!
They could almost pass as twins; if that is, Brother Keith mark two didn’t only communicate by a series of clicks and whistles, and not tried to throttle Doctor Essence with his mystic chant beads, or decapitate Brother Keith. So we’ve sadly had to banish Brother Keith mark two to the solitary confinement unit. With all of the others.
The progress we have made seems almost insurmountable, but shortly the world will see an army of ethereal duplications that don’t eat their own excrement, but bring peace, love and joy amongst one and all; young and old, male and female, all races, creeds and sexual orientation. Before disappearing in our spacecraft to leave them to perish in eternal damnation at the hands of the toxic monkeys of death.
Although we can congratulate ourselves for this joyous news, brothers and sisters we must remember that we cannot afford to reject our other brethren initiatives in gaining new members. In particular, the Oracle has asked us to mention that that the Oracle Fertilisation Project is not progressing as he would have hoped; he hasn’t impregnated nearly all of the women in the compound. So brothers, as there is more than one project that our community has to finance in order to pursue ultimate freedom, once you have dropped your wives off at the Oracle’s, do not hesitate to visit the cash point – those kids won’t clothe themselves.
-5 (203 Days Before Judgement Day)
After a very stressful period where we have had to start again with regards to rebuilding and re-staffing our printing and merchandise complexes after the actions of that wicked Brother Norman, our very own Brother Matthew has come up with a revolutionary idea that will help us to start anew well before 01/07/2017. After the Oracle described telepathically reading the minds of NO’s to look for new plots against the Brethren, he mentioned the good news that the pathetic NO’s were too busy theorising right now about a television show about cowboy androids to really hit us before Judgement Day. Which gave our smart Brother Matthew the idea that we could also create life-like robots who could help us rebuilt while we recruit. When informed of this plan to create emotionally sophisticated androids capable of passing the Turing test, Doctor Essence immediately ran out of the building screaming about how he was only a dentist. So the Brethren are now actively looking to recruit a new scientist as well.