The Web Sight

Before Judgement Day Awareness (BJDA)

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It is with great sadness that we have to announce that the Great Day of Judgement foretold as September 26th 2016 will be postponed until further notice. Alas, there will be no lake of fire, collapse of the space time continuum or uprising of the lollipop ladies, (who not only guide our potential junior brethren safely across the roads, but these wizened old ladies are also guardians of the portals to other dimensions) using their spherical signage to fight evil. No, I’m afraid that the Supreme Being’s wise verses, that the prediction was based on, were misheard due to the Supreme Being suffering from celestial flu; what the Oracle took as The Day of the Lowly Mess, foreseeing the Great Day of destruction, was actually The Day of the Loveliness, which is generally a good day for everyone all round. 

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SPECIAL UPDATE

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Exciting news Brethren, as it looks like Judgement Day will definitely occur on the Oracle’s current predicted date of 01/07/17, as our galactic partners have once again made contact in order to give us a confirmation of this glorious day, abducting Brethren members in the night to bestow their message of hope. This became clear when some of the Brethren mentioned it in their weekly Thought Share sessions that they each had experienced visions of the majestic beings from the planet Okay in the middle of the forest. Where the beings declared to the Brethren members that although the Oracle had been wrong on previous occasions it was definitely happening this time and the previous predictions were deliberately wrong in order to prepare the Brethren for the actual Judgement Day. When Sister Ruth alerted Brother Matthew to these occurrences, our brother sagely predicted that he thought that a lot more Brethren would have this vision over the next few weeks. Except for Brother Malcolm. Some of the Brethren may have heard Brother Marcus questioning the encounter, but speaking from the sauna shed, he clarified that he didn’t really think that the whole thing looked like a low budget scifi that made Ed Wood look like Spielberg and the head alien didn’t sound anything like Brother Matthew.

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Judgement Day News (28 Days Until Judgement Day)

 

Seeing as we now have less than a month away to prepare for the coming Judgement Day, we at The Web Sight have decided to give a rundown of all of the events that we are expecting to see when the great day finally arrives. If you are new to the Brethren this is an ideal opportunity to learn about the long held beliefs the Brethren have about what’s to come, as well as a few more that the Oracle had a dream about the other week. Here are just a few:

 

People who get the words ‘effect’ and ‘affect’ mixed up will be the first to be affected (not effected) by the Supreme Being’s beam of wrath. And the same goes for the ‘there, ‘their’ and ‘they’re’ bunch.

 

All colours will be replaced by Azure, which will result in several traffic accidents and plane crashes.

 

Everyone on the planet will have the tune ‘Xanadu’ stuck in their heads.

 

Animals will learn to communicate, but only enough to tell their keepers and owners to ‘go fuck themselves’.

 

Postmen will spontaneously combust when they attempt to leave a ‘sorry you weren’t home’ slip, when the homeowner blatantly is.

 

Puree of clowns.

 

Ludicrous and dangerous cults will get their comeuppances for spouting their harmful nonsense and not having the good sense to follow the one true way, The Enlightened Brethren Of The Sacred Wisdom. And the same goes for purveyors of mediocre comedy aimed at these so-called groups.

 

Banana dilemma.

 

The wheels will fall off everyone’s bicycles.  

 

Covfefe (bigly)

 

Everyone will hear an annoying tinny sound that they won’t be able to find the source of.

 

Time will decompose and be released as a gaseous substance.

 

Everything that we’ve ever been told will be found out to be fake news, except the wise teachings of the Oracle.

 

Feline revenge for cucumbers and squares.

 

Explosive diarrhoea

 

And many other horrendous events that we can all look forward to...

But fear not Brethren, for only the Negative Oppositionals will befall these tragedies. Except the last one which Brother Malcolm will probably arrange for you all with one of his minging meals.

 

And the Oracle wants to re-emphasise how these events will not happen to any of you, especially the one about everything turning blue. Because you’re not the Oracle.

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Important news from the Oracle (86 Days After Judgement Day)

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The Oracle has announced that he has experienced a vision of The Supreme Being and now knows what Judgement Day meant. As it turns out Judgement Day did happen, but not for the world, for the Enlightened Brethren. The Oracle now knows that our Judgement Day was meant to be a wake up call, that each of us have had it too easy. So, the forthcoming Harmony Day has been cancelled as the Oracle has re-organised the Pyramid Of Enlightenment, and decided that each of us have not had nearly enough training or paid nearly enough money to be where we are. So, each of us have to drop down one level, and now we have to complete additional sub-levels. So, no luck for Brother Malcolm who slips back down to Level Drab, or for our collective bowel movements. And Brother Bernard goes back to his previous duties* to let Brother Malcolm take over. But I think all of the Brethren can agree that Brother Bernard really wasn’t all he was cracked up to be – he didn’t make anything special from our brown rice, salt and kidney beans. At least Brother Malcolm’s meals have character. And with his newly found hygiene, we know we aren’t in danger of catching more than just food poisoning. So, kind of makes his gull pie that much more appetising. As of tomorrow the demotion exercise takes effect, although Level Umber members leap frog under Level Drab to Level Cadmium. At this point, The Oracle would like to make it clear that this obviously doesn’t include him, that the Brethren should know he has done much to achieve where he has got to. And he doesn’t suit purple. He would also like to exclude the Mistress Of The Oracle, as she’d never let him hear the end of it. And Level Onyx and Level Myrtle also, as who’s going to slag off or intimidate folk. As you can see from the newly designed pyramid, Levels Saffron to Level Umber** are all affected. But do not be too saddened about our new approach, as we are finally following the correct path to enlightenment.

 

*To the delight of Brother Matthew who commented that no-one else could get that sheen.   

**Neon Fuchsia is also exempt from the re-grading as they’ve got nowhere to drop down to. Besides, we want them to stay. 

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