The Web Sight

Brother Caspar writes:

 

I must congratulate the Brethren yet again for once more opening my eyes in last week’s group therapy session. The hate share sessions were insightful and really let us vent our frustrations at each of our unpleasant attributes, preparing us to cast aside our trivial concerns and model ourselves on S.B. Anyway, as useful as the sessions were, I’m finding it hard to come to terms with the group devoting the whole hour session on me. I should be able to take constructive criticism, Sister Ruth, but it hurt when the others claimed that I’m really tedious. That Brother Brian prematurely vacated his machinery because he ran out of excuses to get out of having a conversation with me. And he didn’t fall out of that window because he mistook a frisbee for His Spacecraft. I’m almost shameful of sharing this, but this keeps niggling away at my conscience I need to seek His advice. Besides, I did try to book a session with my Thought Share adviser, but he was called away on urgent Brethren business. Again.

 

Sister Ruth replies:

 

Oh dear, Brother Casper, you really have yourself in a muddle, don’t you? You don’t know who your friends really are, and don’t seem to realise that what appears to be cruel and unnecessary, is in fact your Brethren’s way of saving your soul from the great temptation of the NO’s. You can’t continue with these petty grievances, and will certainly not progress up the ladder of tomorrow, down the street of aspirations, through the alley-way of desires, stopping to ask for directions, then on to the road of enlightenment with this attitude. The Supreme Being thinks that the only way you can make up for this behaviour is to make more frequent donations to the Brethren, cook all next week’s meals and retake all of your courses – only then does he feel that you can recompense those Brothers and Sisters that you have greatly offended.

Sister Grace writes:

 

Dear Sister Ruth, I need to ask for your wisdom and fairness of judgement on a deeply personal problem which has been affecting me of late. My celestial partner, Brother Roger, has been so distant and uncaring, that I am ashamed to admit I am harbouring deep feelings of suspicion. I can’t shake the feeling that he might be expressing his wonderment to one of our other sisters, as we are not able to spend any time together of late. After his daily dawn chanting session, church construction work, flyering and five hours of cosmic yoga and prayer, I would think he would make some time for me. Sometimes I come back from a hard day of charging up the spaceship to find him fast asleep. Is it another Sister that is stealing his once boundless energy?

 

Sister Ruth replies:

 

It is only natural to experience these deep suspicions about your solar partner, Sister Grace. I may have come to the same conclusions as yourself in your shoes, that is before I reached the Myrtle platform, Spargon Dimension Level seven, which taught me forgiveness and understanding in my common men and women. I too was once petty, suspicious and jealous, but a gift has been bestowed upon me by the Great One. A gift to share my caring and insightful advice to all. A gift that shows me that suspicion over our Brothers or Sisters is counterproductive for achieving our ultimate goals. A gift that shows me that this behaviour may delay or jeopardise our destiny. That may have to be corrected, Sister Grace, through lengthy thought share counselling sessions. But Brother Roger’s problem is not one of sharing his astral harmony with one of our dear Sisters. No, Brother Roger’s problem is that he is lazy. In order to help Brother Roger before it is too late, we shall get him on merchandise production and food gathering as well.

 

Sister Lily writes:

 

Apologies for wasting your time on such trivial matters, Sister Ruth, but I have been deeply concerned about my escalating debts. After committing to my last set of courses, I have recently found myself falling behind on my council tax payments. I am worried I have now received a threatening letter from a debt recovery agency. What can I do?

 

Sister Ruth replies:

 

Sister Lily, less enlightened individuals might say that it’s your own fault for blowing all that money on male escorts. But that’s just what less enlightened individuals might say. Of course our Brethren would love to help you in any way financially to get you out of this mess. The last thing we would like to see is a Sister suffering at the hands of the NO’s, so we will not delay in using the money from our combined Brethren savings. Savings that have been the product of much hard work from each and every one of your Brothers and Sisters. Savings that have been set aside for the most important event that will ever happen to us. Savings that will take much more man-hours to replace, with both Brothers and Sisters alike with less sleep and less food. We will not mind sacrificing all of this to help a member of our flock; I’m sure our Brethren will not feel resentful. Or, you could get that second job you were thinking about. Your choice.         

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Brother Malcolm writes:

 

Greetings Sister Ruth, I wonder if you can help me. Ever since I joined the Brethren five years ago, my life has improved greatly, as the Brethren took me in as one of their family. I am so happy to be part of something so special and so grateful to every single one of you. My only problem is that I am letting the rest of the team down as I am not progressing enough through the status levels. I have been in Level Drab for the past four years, and do not see myself reaching Level 6, Umber in the foreseeable future. Level Drab is okay I suppose, but nothing much happens, as the Elders, rightly so, do not think it to be cost effective to hold any seminars, seeing as I am the only person in Level Drab. It just goes to show how unenlightened I am, as I have been in Level Drab by myself for the whole four years; everyone else is so advanced they can automatically skip Level Cadmium to Umber.  I have tried to progress to Level Umber through paying for the exam, but the last time I tried to I was informed that Level Umber Brethren are so enlightened that they no longer need to excrete waste materials. I did try to be like a Level Umber, but after a week of not pooing, I had to give up the challenge. What with having to cook the evening meal while experiencing crippling pain, smelling even worse than usual, something had to give. And they did, in my underpants, while I was making ratatouille. It did fair put all the Brethren off my meal that night. But as we are taught not to waste precious food, had to eat it anyway. I am currently sitting another exam, where I was informed that Level Umber Brethren do not need to eat or drink to survive, they can consume energy through looking at colours. It has been four days and I think I am about to give up. I have tried to transfer energy for the different hued cards I was given, but the only time I felt it was working was when I ended up eating some of them out of desperation. But, on the upside I have got the not pooing thing down to a tee. Will I ever achieve Status Level Umber or should I just give up?

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Sister Ruth replies:

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Stay patient, Brother Malcolm, we are all of us different and learn at different paces, some of us are very quick learners, and some of us are very, very slow. Besides, Status Level Umber members are also very generous. If you can manage selling that house of yours or that spare kidney, who knows what may happen. Besides, you cannot leave the Brethren. How would we survive without your signature dishes of badger fricassee  or soil surprise? Next!

 

Sister Fiona writes:

 

Now that the council’s organised recycling collections every week, I’m finding that I get easily confused about which bin is for what. We all know that cadmium means spiritual adventure, azure means total enlightenment and drab means Brother Malcolm, so who knows where the paper, glass and garden waste is supposed to go. What can I do? I’ve now received a warning letter from the council.

 

Sister Ruth replies:

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Sister Fiona, Judgement day is too soon round the corner to be worrying about recycling household waste. Besides, what do you really possess that you need to recycle, other than all those bottles and pregnancy tests? Just kidding. Seriously though, did you not catch the Oracle’s last sermon, about how the NO’s are pretending that they are collecting your recycling, when they are in fact constructing a doomsday machine out of crisp packets and lawn trimmings?  Do not delay, Sister Fiona, bring all of your household waste to the sanctuary. It’s the only way you can be sure. And we shall recycle what we can; making a delightful tea, perhaps, out of potato peelings and apple cores, new banners out of left-over cardboard, and a brand new green house out of all those bottles. Next!

 

Sister Amber writes:

 

You’ve got to help me, Sister Ruth, I am being stalked by this group of people who keep trying to visit me, bring me gifts and leave me sinister notes about how, “it’s tearing your poor Mother apart”. I know they used to be my family and everything, but it’s really starting to get on my nerves. Not only have they tried to bribe me with their filthy money, tried to poison me with their devil’s biscuits, but according to Brother Matthew, they are lying await at all times to bundle me into a van, so I’m constantly on guard. They even gate-crashed my blood bathing goat sacrifice ceremony. I was so embarrassed.

 

Sister Ruth replies:

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And so you should be, Sister Amber. These people continue to obstruct you from your true goal, which is always the way. I was lucky in that respect, that the people who I used to refer to as my parents were a lot more willing to let me go. But it sounds as though your family needs more time to accept your indelible self. Have you thought of leaving Edinburgh to work in one of our Brethren’s many other global sanctuaries. In Dunfermline, Largs or Hamilton. There you will find the solace you need, and we won’t be the focus of another expose documentary.

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Sister Lucy writes:

 

Dear Sister Ruth, I know that this is possibly in my head, but it’s continued to weigh heavily on my mind so I thought I’d share this to gain your wisdom on the subject. Like my fellow Brethren, I too look forward to 01/07/2017, when the spacecraft will rescue us from Armageddon and we will finally journey towards the path to 1TS. It’s just that after the Oracle’s first prediction, you told me to sell my house and donate the money to the Brethren, so I did. In the subsequent predictions I disconnected from my family, shat on my boss’s desk, set fire to my ex-boyfriend’s shed and told all my Facebook friends what I really thought of them. Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure this is all part of S.B.’s grand plan, but I only did all this stuff because you said I was going to get away with it. I’m not trying to blame anyone but myself, as no-one else (other than you) forced me to do it. But now I’ve been sacked, am living in the Brethren utility cupboard, have been to prison and my only human connection outside of the Brethren is the odd scrap of conversation I manage to glean from the people that throw dog turds at me in the street. I’ve got so much doubt, that I might be even having second thoughts on hand delivering those death threats to my parents. Help.

 

Sister Ruth replies:

 

Oh, Sister Lucy, you really have allowed the NO’s to cloud your thoughts. Less enlightened individuals might say that you have brought this all on yourself by revealing your inner (and outer) bitch. Of course you should send those death threats like we talked about. Remember, they totally deserve it. Who else had the gall to give birth to you into this world of doubt, making you believe that money and power was the meaning of life. And that’s not even mentioning when they denied you a donation to the Brethren, and when you were forced to sell your house they couldn’t even bother to buy you a new one. You have progressed since the years you were under their control, taking their bribes of birthday presents and congratulations on passing your driving test to comply with their arbitrary rules. Getting dog shite thrown at you is far more noble than your past life under their thumb. Sending them a death threat before it all goes down is a gentle reminder that you haven’t forgotten. Besides it’s funny. Anyway, I know it appears that I should not be telling you this because of the thought share confidentiality, but we’ll all know everything when we get to share consciousnesses anyway, so let me say that I’m sure that all of your doubts will be allayed soon. As many of the Brethren have mentioned having visions of the majestic aliens from the planet Okay, and spoiler alert, giving us all a message of hope that 01/07/2017 will go down as planned. But about that lack of money thing, Brother Matthew asked me to remind you that your next Spargon level is Drab, so you could be spending more time keeping Brother Malcolm company than expected.

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Sister Moira writes:

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Dear Sister Ruth, as you know, I discovered the Brethren after being drawn to a series of dangerous cults. From worshipping meteorites to praising breakfast cereal, I’ve done it all. So, I was relieved to encounter such a friendly group of people that believed in more realistic goals like escaping Earth in a space craft that travels through parallel dimensions. It’s just that, recently when I was discussing my Spargon dimension level goals to my Thought Share administrator, in the contemplation booth, I couldn’t help but feel a sense of déjà vu. Then when I helped the Oracle later on to fuel up the spacecraft and test out the lights, I couldn't help but picture a similar scene with a man dressed as an elk. I know I’m probably being over-sensitive, but you can’t blame me for being overly suspicious. I know that you are kind hearted people who are not out to exploit me, but as I sit here in the cellar of disobedience for messing up my direct debit payments, I can’t help but wonder. What I suppose I’m really asking is, when can I get out of here?

 

Sister Ruth replies:

 

Yes, we all know about the horrible experiences you’ve had at the hands of these monsters. But fear no more, Sister Moira, you are home. So, it is about time you did your fair share round the house and picked up some rubbish once in a while. We’ve not got long now until Judgement Day, so you need to shake off these feelings of doubt. I highly recommend signing up for a viewing of the Oracle’s newest training film, released as a response to the Negative Oppositionals entitled ‘We’re Not a Cult’, which explains how we’re not a cult as we don’t brainwash people. At an introductory price of £30 you get to view it in an exclusive Brethren cinema with access to chairs so comfy that you’ll practically beg them to strap you in and the Brethren’s patented cushion helmet with added eye openers, so you won’t miss a moment. I would only steer clear if you suffer from epilepsy, as there is a lot of flashing and repetitive images.

 

Brother Daryl writes:

 

You’ve got to help us Sister Ruth. My wife and I agreed to house a few of the male Brethren while construction was taking place, but they continued to come to the house until the point that our two boys  and my wife and I are sleeping in the bathroom. I know I shouldn’t turn away my fellow Brethren but I feel that they are really taking advantage of my good nature. I’ve seen a couple of them driving around in my car and trying on my wife’s clothes, and one time I saw both at the same time. We can’t live like this anymore, Sister Ruth, our youngest called me a loser the other day as I attempted to wash our clothes in the sink while his brother took a dump behind me.

 

Sister Ruth replies:

 

Brother Daryl, some less enlightened people might agree with your son and say that you are a loser. But not I – I know that these petty selfish feelings that you are experiencing are misdirected. You have to remember that it was you and your wife that decided to bring both your children into the world, and in doing so, took away extra space in your house that could have been utilised by the Brethren. Of course, you weren’t to know that you’d be part of the Enlightened Brethren when you had them, but I hope you feel regret that you did. So, in your moment of regret you might think about quitting moaning and buy yourselves a separate house. Easy as. And the beauty of the coming Judgement Day is that you don’t have to keep up with your mortgage payments.

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(203 days until Judgement Day)

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Brother Robert writes:

 

Hi Sister Ruth, I am a fairly new member to your great organisation, and have been vastly impressed and changed by the Brethren’s welcoming atmosphere. I have a real feeling of belonging amongst the flock and have a great anticipation of what I can learn from your humble group. My problem lies with my wife, Angela. She has tried in the past to enrol with the Brethren and came to a few classes, but did not feel as connected to the group as I. Her difficulty lies with my Brethren Buddy, Brother Sebastian. I understand why Brother Sebastian has to follow me throughout the day; I am a novice, so I have to prove to the group that I can earn their kinship. But Angela just does not seem to understand. She goes on all the time about how she finds it weird that Brother Sebastian shares a changing room with me at the gym and goes to the dentist’s with me. She even found it odd when he turned up for our marriage guidance session. Well, seeing as she claims that it’s Brother Sebastian’s constant presence that is destroying our marriage, he obviously had to be there. I was so ashamed that he had to witness her behaviour though. What can I do, Sister Ruth? I love her, but I love the Brethren also.

 

Sister Ruth replies:

 

Easy – get rid of her. I know that you’re new to the group and everything, but you ask this now? You know what could take your mind off of it - you and Brother Sebastian actually getting stuck into rebuilding the printing and merchandise rooms, instead of whining about things that you should know already; she’s a NO – end of. No-one is exempt from helping out in this crisis, except for the Oracle, the Mistress of the Oracle, Brother Matthew and myself. Get building. But that’s just what less enlightened people might say. And me.

 

Sister Zoe writes:

 

Dear Sister Ruth, as a fellow strong feminist in the Brethren I wanted to ask your advice about my Brethren Buddy. I’m not man bashing but Brother Gerald is so abhorrent that I cringe to be in the same room as him. I was initially deluded into thinking I’d influenced him for the better, away from his interests, but I’ve recently found out that he was only respecting the women around him because he thought they’d all give him blow jobs. I know with Judgement Day fast approaching and the print and merchandise rebuild taking up our time at the moment, it’s not the right time to harbour ill feelings towards my Brethren Buddy. But I have to listen to his perverted rhetoric all day, especially now that we are rebuilding for twenty hours a day. Hearing about all his sick musings on animals: asking me whether he’d be put on the sex offenders register if he got caught giving a hedgehog a golden shower, whether they’d let him swim with dolphins after the last time and regaling the time he got caught blowing soap bubbles up a monkey’s backside. And he told me that he’s totally into castration as long as I did it, that old folk make him cum and that people involved in road accidents make him hard. But it’s not just the things he says. We all had to be punished after he wanked in the fridge. He came all over everything I own and I caught him getting himself off with Brother Joseph’s prosthetic arm. I’ve had enough Sister Ruth. Why am I being punished?

 

Sister Ruth replies:

 

Oh, Sister Zoe, for a fellow feminist I have to point out that you spend a lot of time thinking about a man. Some less enlightened individuals might say that it’s not you that’s being punished, it’s Brother Gerald. Having to listen to your hypocritical feminist, man hating clap trap, meanwhile you’d happily fuel up the spaceship with the Oracle. But that’s just what less enlightened individuals might say. Consequently, I am the only sister who isn’t helping fuel up the spacecraft, as I’m far too important to spare myself to the Oracle. Besides he said that I’m far too powerful to fuel up the spaceship, and I’d probably cause it to explode or something. And it’s not because he doesn’t fancy me. But to answer your question, Sister Zoe, you have picked the entirely wrong time to have a pity party at the expense of poor Brother Gerald. It’s true that we did pair you two together to persuade him to give up his ways, but you are serving an even more important role to the Brethren that we are eternally grateful for: distracting Brother Gerald from the rest of the sisters.

 

Name withheld writes:

 

Sister Ruth, I’m writing anonymously as I’ve recently had doubts about the Brethren, which I couldn’t share with my regular thought share adviser for fear of being identified. Anyway, these doubts started around the time Judgement Day was announced: we had that awful faked alien encounter, that was supposed to confirm the validity of 01/07/2017 but totally had the opposite effect. I mean there were muddy footprints all over the house. Then, Brother Norman did something so bad, that no-one’s supposed to know what he actually did, except how do we know how to avoid doing the exact same thing if we don’t know what it is?  Then, because Brother Matthew got us to burn down the printing and merchandise buildings- Oh sorry, I mean that Brother Norman made us burn down those buildings. Anyway, we’re made to rebuild it all, although (and this is the bit I can’t get the most) Judgement Day is supposed to happen next year. So, why are we rebuilding it all in the first place if it’s all ending on July 1st?

 

Sister Ruth replies:

 

Ah, Brother Marcus, of course it’s you; you’re the only one that writes in anonymously. I was expecting your letter at some stage, and I’m glad that you’ve contacted me. There a lot of questions that other Brethren may have about recent events. But I think you’re being a little naive about the rebuilding. Isn’t the coming Judgement Day more reason to try and make as much money as we can. We can’t rely on your admin job alone. And imagine we’d thought like you on the previous Judgement Days; we’d be up shit creek. Not that I’m saying that the coming Judgement Day isn’t happening, I’m just saying. Never fear though Brother Marcus, I can clearly see by your questions that you are in desperate need of some spiritual guidance, the type that only Brother Matthew can give. Where he unveils his newest course Greatly Alter Someone’s Perspective where he abducts a brother or sister in the middle of the night and takes them on a fun ride in the boot of his car to a derelict factory where he sets to persuade them with his abrasive style. So sleep tight. Oh, and in trying to be anonymous, you have also given away that you have a hidden stash of paper that you could donate to the printing fund. So, Brother Matthew will likely have a word in your ear about that as well.   

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138 days after Judgement Day

 

Sister Ruth:

 

Welcome to another edition of Thoughtshare Direct, with me, Sister Ruth. Where I answer the Brethren queries, for those that seemingly cannot be arsed to visit me in person, choosing instead to bother me in my spare time. Which I suppose I’m here for. And seeing as I was away. Which I was only doing for your own good, following Brother Matthew’s strict orders during the rebuild for you all to keep your traps shut. But now I’m back to field any of your frankly tedious questions. Woo! And moan of the month seems to be about the Oracle’s revelation that Judgement Day means that we all have to slip down a level and spend more money to pass an additional five sublevels. Boo hoo - I know Spargon Dimensional Level Myrtle is exempt, but I wouldn’t be such a cry baby if it wasn’t. Here’s a sample of this whinge-athon. Our first person who has forgotten that the Enlightened Brethren think of people less fortunate than themselves, is Brother Derek who writes:

 

Brother Derek Writes:

 

Dear Sister Ruth,

                         As wonderful as the Oracle’s words were about Judgement Day, I can’t help but think that I was really hoping it was going to be the actual Judgement Day as planned. You know, the one that was supposed to affect other people. I’m not having a go at the whole dropping down a level thing, although that was a hard one to swallow - I’m lower than Brother Malcolm, really? No, it’s just that I’ve been shunned by all my family and work colleagues. So what, I told them that as they are all negative oppositionals that they were all going to bleed from all orifices, then spontaneously combust on 01/07/17. I know I didn’t have to be so pleased when I told them, do that dance or print up those t-shirts. And it might have been a bit much announcing it at my niece’s eighth birthday party. I thought I was doing them a favour by warning them. Now, when they do speak to me at work they all call me Doomsday Derek and Dad has stopped paying my mortgage.  I know shunning of non-believers is actively encouraged within the Brethren, but it’s not supposed to be the other way around.  

 

Sister Ruth replies:

 

They all hate you, don’t they Brother Derek? I would say less enlightened individuals would say this, but no, they all hate you. Everyone. So yes, you are lower than Brother Malcolm. Thankfully the Enlightened Brethren are here to support you, but you also have to support us. Especially now you’ve got another five levels to pass. Which all needs to paid for. So, if you truly want to give back to the Brethren, you can do that by pretending you’re sorry and that you had some sort of breakdown or something. That way you continue in employment and be back on the will.

 

Sister Bernadette Writes:

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Dear Sister Ruth,

                         I don’t want to trouble you, but I didn’t know where else to turn to. I have really enjoyed my time with the Enlightened Brethren, and I feel that I have really achieved something. I previously claimed the most souls in the Sluts For S.B. programme, and frequently helped the Oracle charge up the space craft. But ever since the Oracle’s recent announcement, my previous talents are now overlooked. And just because me and my fellow Sluts For S.B. failed to entice any printers or merchandisers to the Brethren, we’re expected to work both ourselves as well as recruiting in our lunch breaks and studying for the five additional assessments in the evening. I’ve tried to apologise to the Oracle for our actions by offering intensive charging, but he told me that since Judgement Day the spacecraft has been in the shop. And since I currently look like a ”zombie’s jobbie” he doubted that he’d be able to get it up. On the spacecraft landing pad, that is. I know everyone is feeling the effects of the announcement, but I don’t know if I can carry on any longer. If that’s not bad enough, by the move to Level Cadmium the Oracle obviously perceives me as being lower than Brother Malcolm.

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Sister Ruth replies:

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What is it with you moaning ex-Umbers. Taking umbrage. See what I did there? But enough jokes. Oh, how the mighty have fallen, Sister Bernadette. But to tell you the truth, the women that the Oracle really respects in the Brethren are the ones that aren’t flaunting their fuel all the time. Like myself and the Mistress. And I am obviously one of the few who can see that the Oracle’s wise words pointed out that we’ve (except for The Oracle, The Mistress, Brother Matthew and myself) had it all too easy and now have to earn their places. So people like yourself, who were only adept at lying on their backs while recharging or involving in bang conversions, have to step up to the Brethren. Prove that you can expand your CV from just one activity. And you’ve always been lower than Brother Malcolm.

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Anonymous writes:

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Dear Sister Ruth,

                         Unlike other Brethren members who have been openly complaining about the Judgement Day announcement, I was actually relieved and looking forward to moving back down to Spargon Dimensional Level Neon Fuchsia. Being able to casually explore the Brethren at my leisure while having more experienced brothers and sisters rub my feet at the Imax. Who wouldn’t want to be lower than Brother Malcolm when it means you don’t have to eat his food. But I was dismayed to find out that all Level Saffron was made exempt from the move. I even pleaded to Brother Matthew that I had not really done much to get to this level and sort of coasted through. But all I got from that was a bruised neck and difficulty swallowing. Why can’t Level Saffron members get the chance to move down, other than the expense of pampering twice as many members. Okay, that’s obviously the reason why. But it’s not fair – I want to be demoted. I’m seriously thinking of getting a refund.

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Sister Ruth replies:

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I really don’t know why you continue this, Brother Marcus. I obviously know it’s you. You act as though you don’t take our mission seriously. And less enlightened individuals might say that you’re only in the Brethren so we have to pretend to be friends with you. So, you better pull your socks up. Brother Matthew is right; you are totally qualified to be in Level Saffron as one of their traits is pretending to be less qualified to get moved back to Neon Fuchsia. And you do know that if you do ask for a refund, you’ll be declared a negative oppositional. Even being caught glancing at your receipts gets you sent to the sauna shed. And openly discussing getting a refund on the Web Sight means that I had no other option than to report back to Brother Matthew. So, you’ve now got that to also think about. But, it’s not all bad – when I showed Brother Matthew your letter he said he’d be lenient if you told him who’s been bitching about the Oracle. And there’s also the chance to get a fifteen minute lie in.

 

(527 Days After Judgement Day)

 

Brother Ross writes:

 

Dear Sister Ruth, with the ‘Me Too’ and ‘Time’s Up’ movements and Sister Zoe’s recent Woman Up workshop at the Enlightened Brethren, as a man, it has really emphasised the gender inequality within our society (both the outside world and in the Sanctuary). It really hit that home to me when Sister Gemma was forced to scrub the stains out of my underwear, so every day I strive to be a better man to our sisters. The other day though I was thinking about the Oracle’s past careers as Science Fiction writer, a rock star and a yoga master. Yeah, we all know about the misunderstanding that led to the Oracle having to drop one of his patented yoga moves after being imprisoned for indecent assault, but it is the songs and books that I’m most concerned about. Looking through my Oracle back catalogue, I find titles such as ‘Irrational Minx’, ‘Fight Like A Girl’ and ‘I Love It When You Iron My Shirts’. And on my bookshelf there’s his sci-fi story about a bizarre alternate dimension where women are good with numbers, ‘The Female Mathematicians’ and the story he penned after a very acrimonious break up, ‘Space Whore’. My question is, if I am trying to improve myself, why am I following someone who isn’t?

 

Sister Ruth replies:

 

Brother Ross, god you’re not one of those blokes that thinks he’s a feminist, are you? Less enlightened individuals might say that you lack the tits and fanny to truly call yourself a feminist, but I suppose it’s cute. I think it’s unfair of you to judge the Oracle on what he did in the past. Remember that this is the great man that kick-boxed a leopard, telepathically spoke to planets and learned all the languages in the universe, except French. This was before he was the Oracle that we all know and love, and if you think about it he was writing about Negative Oppositionals, and it’s alright to be sexist to them. Look at me for instance, I’m such a strong feminist that men don’t dare to chat me up, but even I’m deliberately sexist to my own gender whenever I visit my sister because she’s not a member. Also, it really gets to her. And you know that if the Oracle was this person that you imagine, the Mistress of the Oracle would have made it be known. We’ve all heard by now that she recently banished the Oracle to another dimension for forgetting her birthday, which less enlightened individuals might suggest must have been her time of the month. But not me, although many people miss my birthday and you don’t see me banishing them to another dimension, although I have been bitchier in their Thought Share sessions. But no, what I’m trying to say is if the Mistress reacts to such a minor indiscretion, she would have done something if the Oracle was sexist. Also Galactic Goods wants me to remind you all that the titles mentioned by Brother Ross and many more are available in their Oracle back-catalogue.

 

Sister Monica writes:

 

Sister Ruth, I wonder if you can help me. Like most people, I’m most worried about current events in the world, such as the forth-coming Brexit. The threat to our economy, the stockpiling of food and medicines, the list goes on. I try and keep myself distracted by Brethren activities, but it’s just everywhere. It’s got so bad that I now suffer from insomnia. What is the Brethren’s take on these events?

 

Sister Ruth replies:

 

Hello..! That’s the point of The Enlightened Brethren Of The Sacred Wisdom; our whole thing. I would say ‘less enlightened individuals might say…’, but honestly, you should know all of this by now. You should know that this country might be trying to leave the EU, but the Enlightened Brethren left the UK many years ago. We pray for the destruction of this country, leading to Judgement Day and getting to travel to the galaxy of lovely. So if all of these things really concern you then you really don’t get the Brethren. But I suppose I will say this, the Brethren wouldn’t have lied to everyone on the side of a bus (because we can’t afford to). I mean, who even gets the time to think about outside distractions. But if you want to make it up to the Brethren, Sister Monica, you could put that insomnia to use by helping out at the new manufacturing building on nights when you can’t sleep. That’ll keep your mind off things.

 

Brother Stephen writes:

 

Sister Ruth, I wonder if you can help me. I’m most worried about the dangers of technology, what with smart technology, driverless cars, and over reliance on AI. Robots are taking over all of our jobs and it’s only a matter of time those robot uprising stories become a reality. I still don’t trust those self service check-outs, and I always note down the reference number than the electronic taxi booking woman tells you, just in case it’s important somewhere down the line. I don’t know, the robots make me tell them the reference number in exchange for my life, or something. My question though is if the Brethren are as concerned about this as I?

 

Sister Ruth replies:

 

Brother Stephen, just like the previous letter, the Enlightened Brethren would be delighted if Earth was destroyed, and if it was done by their own creations, all the better. We’ll be long gone by then. But rest assured, Brother Stephen, as we’ve so far only been able to appoint a dentist, a podiatrist and a masseur as the Brethren professor. And although it did appear that Doctor Essence had cloned himself that time, it was revealed later that he was an identical triplet. No, this is definitely not smart technology we’re dealing with here. Also, the reason why there hasn’t been any recent updates for Science News is that the guy we’ve appointed as professor is so inept he can hardly fix a toaster let alone organise the destruction of the planet by inventing killer robots. The Brethren are hardly going to light the world with their technology. Except for the space-craft, of course, which is so technologically advanced that nothing on Earth compares. Which is why the Oracle needs all those women to help him charge it up. And sometimes three times a day, and on the Mistress’s birthday. Sorry, I went a bit off topic. So, no we’re not very worried about it all and look forward to the NOs’ getting enslaved by their robot masters. Bring it on!

​

933 Day Since Judgement Day

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Sister Rose writes:

 

Dear Sister Ruth, with all of the recent media exposure about the Oracle it made me remember an incident I had with the great man himself. I was torn about discussing this, but I thought that you were the only one I could confide about this, with your kindness and wise counsel. A few weeks ago I went over to innocently charge up the spacecraft when I caught the Oracle masturbating into a plant pot. He was only dressed in a dressing gown and told me to refer to him as my Personal Growth Guru. I was so mortified that I can barely hold eye contact with him when we practice energy symbiosis. What should I do?

 

Sister Ruth responds:

​

What’s wrong with wearing a dressing gown? I’m wearing one now while I’m writing this, and there’s nothing sexual about it. Numerous Brethren members have said so. And yes, it is green. What you caught the Oracle doing was obviously something that us mere mortals cannot understand. If you think about it, if the Fluids Of The Oracle can cure leprosy and warts (even though it’s just his bath water), doesn’t it stand to reason that his semen would do extraordinary things. And be really good plant food. And as the Oracle has said in protest to all these allegations, there’s many dimensions where none of this happened and those Oracles were innocent. So that should count for something. Oh, Sister Rose, which I don’t think is your real name. It’s Sister Monica isn’t it? Your name was on a long list that Brother Matthew handed me of possible accusers. You thought you could mask your identity by altering your name and I wouldn’t notice because of the flattery. Kind and wise, really? I know it’s true but no-one would say that unless they were hiding something. If I were you I’d sign myself up for one of Brother Matthew’s Fists Of Truth presentations. Brother Matthew will show you that accusing the Oracle of something which was clearly a misunderstanding is a waste of time and will only delay our path to 1TS. Do you want that on your conscience?

 

As the rest of the letters are similar, this week I’m only sharing Sister Monica’s letter. So Sister Chloe, Sister Joanne, Sister Grace, Sister Celia, Sister Josephine, Sister Barbara, Sister Jane and Sister Carol, just follow the response I gave to her.

​

947 Days Since Judgement Day

​

Brother Barry writes:

​

Dear Sister Ruth,

                         What with Judgement Day being a hoax, I for one, am very happy. A week is far too short to prepare for the imminent destruction of mankind. I couldn’t get time off work for a start. It wasn’t just because I didn’t pass the Trials Of Tharn. For a start I didn’t get to cash all my grudges in and didn’t get to tell as many people I know to go fuck themselves. For Judgement Day I was planning on making short videos for all my friends and family where I tell them I’m merely vacating my machinery and then go on to detail everything that makes me detest each one of them. But I’d only got round to filming a piece about how Dad’s a sanctimonious prick. To me, Judgement Day being cancelled was the best news. It highlighted how unprepared I am for the real thing. And it wasn’t just a distraction technique concocted by the Oracle to make us all forget about the allegations.

 

Sister Ruth responds:

​

Brother Barry, that’s what I like to hear; someone who isn’t merely writing in to have a moan. It warms my heart to hear of a Brother so devoted to attacking the NOs’. But one thing does strike me, and that is the amount of spare time that you appear to have to plan these elaborate put downs. Brother Matthew will visit with a list of career options within the Sanctuary.

 

Brother Marcus writes

 

Dear Sister Ruth, that was a amusing practical joke from the Oracle about Judgement Day. And setting it on Groundhog Day: genius. I knew something was up when we were told that it was happening in a week’s time. For a start, those aliens didn’t abduct us this time. You’ll probably say that they didn’t have enough time, but their spacecraft travels through space and time. See where I’m coming from? And if the Oracle lives on the mysterious island of Brethrenville, how was he so easily apprehended? And the news reported that he was arrested at an address around the corner from The Sanctuary, which is interesting. I suppose what I’m saying is the Oracle just a regular guy, that lives around the corner?

 

Sister Ruth responds:

​

Ah, Brother Marcus. At least you’ve given up on the trying to be anonymous thing. I always knew it was you and it always ends with a visit from Brother Matthew.  But I suppose I’m glad that you wrote in though – cut the wackiness off from the source, so to speak. Less enlightened people might say that your constant bitching about the Brethren is the only thing that occupies your mind in an otherwise futile existence. But that’s just less enlightened individuals. The points that you make are ludicrous, to say the least. When the Oracle felt the tremors that told him that there was a warrant for his arrest he  knew that he had to hide the location of Brethrenville.  Of course the Oracle has made it look like he lives in a bungalow around the corner. And is just a bloke. But only a being who is capable of interdimensional travel, could fool people into believing he lives locally. And of course the aliens didn’t visit this time. They’re not here for your entertainment, they’ve probably got their own struggles to deal with in their day to day lives, like jury duty and smear exams. They can’t just drop everything on a whim. And it all ended up being a false alarm anyway. Anyway, I’d better leave you Brother Marcus. You need to put the kettle on, you’re due a visit soon.

 

Sister Christine writes:

 

Dear Sister Ruth, I am so happy that the ban on the Brethren from contacting you has been lifted. For a long time I have harboured a deep concern which continues to plague me day and night. I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. All of my personal relationships have been fractured by my moral quandary. I’m on my last warning at work. My indecision is consuming my very being. I feel that if I don’t unburden myself this will destroy me. So, Sister Ruth should I learn Latin, or is it a dead language?

 

Sister Ruth responds:

​

Oh, my SB, you waited this long to tell me this. I suppose this is the kind of whingeing nonsense I’ve become accustomed to from you people. Learn any language you like, Sister Christine, if it means that I won’t understand anything you say. Honestly, the time I’ve spent reading and responding to your letter, I’ll never get that time back in my life. I’d rather hear Brother Gerald prattling on about his sex dungeon. Right, it’s time for me to go and clip my toenails; actually do something with a purpose.

 

(1105 days since Judgement Day)

 

Sister Ruth here, once again offering my extraordinary insight to offer advice to our troubled members. I know I stated before that I wanted to self-isolate from each and every one you, but I’ve yet again shown my generous heart by changing my mind. Besides, less enlightened individuals might say that your constant moaning is worse than the virus itself, if it actually affected any of us. Right, let the whingeathon begin.

 

Sister Anita writes:

 

Dear Sister Ruth, I’m very grateful to the Brethren for the security that the Sanctuary has offered us during the recent global pandemic. I cannot fully express my thanks for the safety that these four walls have given me from the virus, even though it is a ruse for the outside world so they think we could actually catch it. My problem though is that I yearn for my spiritual partner, Brother Harvey. I know, we had to cast all of our part time members out, so we could fool the public into believing that they could spread it to us in the Sanctuary. And I know that Brother Harvey’s job on the outside is very important – to provide literature to members of the public, who might want to join our organisation once the crisis is over. But I can’t help but miss his caresses and our love for one another.

 

Sister Ruth replies:

 

Oh, Sister Anita, you still have a lot to learn in the Brethren, don’t you? I’m so enlightened that I don’t give a shit about anyone in the outside world. But I understand that I am more advanced than you in every single way. Besides, the task Brother Harvey has been given might be important, but let us not forget that we recently found out that the outside members were bunching the leaflets into a ball and lobbing them at people. They might have observed social distancing rules, but people are not going to be compelled to join a group that struck them on the head. And I find it troubling that you’re spending all your time missing this guy, when you could be doing the solo projects that the Oracle has assigned each of our sisters – to film yourselves and send in the video so that the Oracle can charge up the spacecraft manually. Think about the blatant disregard you are showing to the preparation of Judgement Day, whenever that is.

 

Brother Timothy writes:

 

Dear Sister Ruth, I was greatly saddened to learn of the closure of Consciousness Café, but I understand why it had to happen – no one is going to think about purchasing Judgemental Preservation or Redemptive Blessing at a time like this. Its closure doesn’t just mean that we yet again have to suffer Brother Malcolm’s Toe-nail Risotto, but I recently heard that the chef had been employed to cook dinners for you, Brother Matthew and Brother Daniel. Please tell me that it’s not true. I have been following all the Brethren’s self-isolation instructions, even though we don’t have to.

 

Sister Ruth replies:

 

Are you really following our self-isolation instructions, Brother Timothy? Really? Because it sounds like you’re spending too much time gossiping with the other members. And if you heard so much so clearly, that tells me that you weren’t just outside your room, but you weren’t social distancing or wearing a mask. We might all be immune to the virus, but that’s not the point. So what if we are making use of Brother Francoise? Don’t you think that the Chief Thoughtshare Facilitator, Chief Brethren Motivator and our largest donor are worth it? Brother Daniel has recently surpassed himself by securing large donations from the local museum, due to there not being many people around right now. I think the influential jobs that we do for the Brethren mean that we at least deserve to eat something that won’t make us catch something nasty. I know that doesn’t say much for the rest of the Brethren, but look at this way – it gives Brother Malcolm something to do; do you really want him to freely mingle amongst the rest of you. And if any of you do catch something nasty from his food, at least it’ll take your mind off the virus, even though we can’t get it anyway.

 

Sister Celia writes:

 

Dear Sister Ruth, I’ve been following every one of the Brethren’s social distancing rules, but I was dismayed to recently find out that one of our members has wilfully flouted them, and no-one is saying anything about it. I know we’re allowed out for exercise and to pick up essentials, but from what I heard, Brother Matthew went out on a car journey with Brother John to Durham. I know it’s Brother Matthew and everything, but I can’t help but feel a bit disappointed, seeing as I thought the regulations applied to everyone.

 

Sister Ruth replies:

 

So, no one is talking about it Sister Celia? You obviously are. And Brother John’s got a big mouth. Well, he must do as someone whose supposedly self-isolating has heard all about it. Brother Matthew follows the rules like everyone else. If he did do what you claim, I’m sure he was following instructions like everyone else. And even if he wasn’t, the Enlightened Brethren are immune to catching the virus anyway, so as long as he wasn’t seen by the public, that was absolutely fine. Even though I must insist that people don’t copy him, as that would be breaking the rules. Although I think self-isolating is really affecting Brother John, and he made it all up. So, you don’t want to listen to someone who’s obviously losing it. So, my advice to you Sister Celia, is a little from the second letter and a little from the first one. You’re obviously not adhering to the self-isolating rules as much as you claim, to hear this absolute nonsense. And you should be concentrating on making a video for the Oracle as old ladies do it for him too.

​

(1123 Days Since Judgement Day)

 

Oh, I suppose I was going to have to return to all of this mindless drivel at some stage. The pandemic for me has been a well-deserved break, and I thought that with all of you quarantined in your rooms and houses, that you wouldn’t have anything to talk about other than the show Tiger King or your sourdough. But no, here we are. Our first letter comes from a frequent thorn in my side, Brother Marcus.

 

Brother Marcus writes:

 

Dear Sister Ruth,

                              You’ll know what I’m about to talk about: my claims that the reason we’re ‘pretending’ that we can catch Covid for the public, is because we actually can. I know my opinion has been greatly mocked on the Web Sight, and I’m not under any illusion that you won’t proceed to do the same. It’s just that I think any exposure might make other brothers and sisters think about it more. It’s just that, if it was true, I can understand making it look like that in public. But we’re also doing it in private, with half of the sanctuary being forced to return home. I can totally understand the Brethren getting vaccinated and wearing a face mask in front of the public. But we also have to wear a mask at the sanctuary. This came to a head the other day when we had to wear a mask for our daily chanting session just after consuming Brother Malcolm’s repulsive tadpole ravioli. Quite a few Brethren couldn’t stomach their honking breaths and were sick inside their masks. But even though their vomit was trickling down them, we were forced to continue chanting until the session ended. I wouldn’t mind after all this that the Brethren admitted that we can actually catch covid, but I know that you and others will continue to gas-light me about it. Or should I say, you’re gas-lighting us all, but I’m the only one to realise.

 

Sister Ruth replies:

 

Brother Marcus, you know what they say about people who accuse others of gas-lighting them: that they’re just saying that to cover up the fact that it was all in their heads. The reason that none of the others listen to you is because they realise the obvious fact: that we have to act like we can catch covid because the Negative Oppositionals can astral project, so might be watching us at all times. I can’t believe I have to explain this to you. And if you continue to try leading our members down this ridiculous path, Brother Matthew will be forced to mask up and come round to your dormitory to glare at you from afar.

 

Brother Frank writes:

 

Dear Sister Ruth,

                             I am one of the Brethren members who needed to move out of the sanctuary during the first lockdown, and I want to come back. For the last year and a half I have been living in my sister’s spare room. It’s not all been bad of course: the meals are a huge improvement from Brother Malcolm’s appalling efforts and it was great spending more time with my niece and nephews. But I just feel that I am continually forced to move away from the wise teachings of the Enlightened Brethren. I’ve tried to doom monger from home, but I’m often interrupted by my sister, Eleanor. At the start, Eleanor, Stan and I were all working from home in the same room. But they insisted I help home school the kids, pointing out that as I’m unemployed, I could pull my weight once in a while. Not realising that as an Enlightened Brethren I am doing the most important job of all – preparing for an interdimensional journey to the galaxy of Lovely to escape Judgement Day, whenever that is. But no, she wants me to pick the kids up from karate or vacuum the porch. I have been trying to keep up with the teachings of the Brethren by listening to the Oracle on my MP3 player, only for Eleanor to threaten to kick me out for listening to it while I was supposedly babysitting the kids. So what, the kids set fire to the bin. Kids get into all kinds of scrapes. It’s part of growing up. And it wouldn’t have happened if Eleanor hadn’t thoughtlessly went out, leaving me in charge. But she didn’t see my side at all. So, I think I’d be doing my sister a favour as well if I moved back to the Sanctuary. Do you think I might be welcomed back? I’m eating far too many biscuits at the moment.

 

Sister Ruth Replies:

 

Brother Frank, family members just don’t get it, do they? Mine told me not to bother joining them during lockdown. As if. They’re just jealous of the level of esteem that I’ve got here, where pitiful members like yourself hang on my every word. Well, that’s what less enlightened individuals might say anyway. But no, I’m afraid that you can’t move back into the sanctuary just yet, we don’t just want the general public to think that we’re safely following social distancing, but I’m afraid that you’ve spent too much time living with Negative Oppositionals. The Brethren might be immune to catching viruses (except for the ones that killed members), but only if you’re in the sanctuary to receive the Oracle’s protective words. And I know that even if you had the virus we couldn’t get it anyway, but the public don’t know that. And as per my last letter, Brother Marcus, that’s not because we can actually catch Covid. Trust me, by pretending that we can actually catch Covid, we raise our profile with the general public. We might actually get more members, and when we eventually tell them that we pretended that we could catch Covid, they’d be totally alright with that. I think.

 

Brother Gary Writes:

 

Dear Sister Ruth,

                              Ever since I moved back in with my wife and kids during lockdown, I’ve had more time to think about things. It’s been great reconnecting with Mary, making me wonder why I left her and kids in the first place. Okay, it was because she didn’t understand my religion, and didn’t want the kids to get caught up in the Brethren. So, we’ve both had a chance to sit down and talk. One of the things we recently spoke about was a photo of a party that was sent to Mary on social media. It was outrageous because the picture was taken during the first lockdown, when we were all supposed to stay at home. In amongst the unruly crowd, my wife pointed out a few people, that looked a lot like you, Brother Matthew, Brother Daniel, The Mistress and an unidentified man, who I’m guessing was the Oracle. Can you explain this? Mary and I were talking about me giving up the Brethren.

 

Sister Ruth Replies:

 

Ever heard of a deep fake Brother Gary? That’s all that is. I mean, what was the Mistress and who you thought was the Oracle, doing in the city? Seeing as Brethrenville is so far away that we can’t even work out how far away it is. Don’t you think it’s convenient that your negative oppositional wife happened to come across incriminating photos? It’s obvious: she’s trying to cloud your mind about the Brethren. She probably deep faked the photos herself. You said that she works with computers in an office. She is heartlessly trying to tear you away from your real family. And anyway, even it was us at the party, which it wasn’t, the rules don’t apply to us as we can’t catch covid. But it really wasn’t us, just saying.